What's Cooking In My House for Thanksgiving

Disclaimer: this post has very little to do with food.

I'm pretty excited to be hosting my first (of many) Thanksgiving dinners in my house. This isn't my first rodeo, and ironically, I made mostly vegan foods in years past, so I'm hoping everything goes smoothly. I have a double oven now which makes cooking/baking so much easier, and I'm looking forward to less oven Tetris, where you try to jam in a dozen things at once on one small space.

Last year I don't even know what I did on Thanksgiving. Cried and drank wine, probably? I'd already put an offer in on my house and my mom had promised me (to try and make me feel better, I think) that  I could host Thanksgiving again in my new house going forward. I just wasn't feeling Thanksgiving last year, so I stayed home and wallowed. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, honestly. It's extra depressing to be alone on a holiday when you're already depressed. (I don't even want to tell you what I did on Christmas last year...weep womp)

But what a difference a year makes, huh? As everyone told me - time heals all wounds. And as I've told myself repeatedly - nothing bad lasts forever. The past year of my life was trying, to say the least, but I'm happy to report that I've come out on top. I learned who my real friends are. I've gotten some exciting new responsibilities at work. I live in the house of my dreams. I've traveled to some new places and met some amazing people. And I've found a relationship with a man who loves me for who I am. Unconditionally. My life is far from perfect, but I can honestly say I'm in a better place than I've ever been in my 32 years on this planet. Progress not perfection.

So whether you're having the best year of your life or are hoping for brighter tomorrows, remember to be thankful for what you have. And maybe even be thankful for what you don't have. Sometimes things in life don't go as we want them to or as we've planned, but bigger and better things are probably in store for you.

The Burdens of Being Upright

If you want to read about booze, food, or CLE happenings, this post is not for you. However, if you've been following my blog for any length of time and wondered why I fell off the face of the earth, here's an update for you...

Blogging is one of those things that I think you're either really into or really apathetic about. After my series of life changing events last fall, I had a lot to talk about. A lot to get off my chest. A lot of feelings to sort through. I shared a lot of very personal things about me on my blog. Heck, I probably even over-shared. But getting my feelings out of my head and into the world helped me to heal and move on. (in addition to all of the love and support I received from my amazing friends and family)

My mother (who happens to always be right, even when I think she isn't) assured me that the funk I was in would eventually fade, that my life would go on, and that I would realize that all of the crappy stuff I'd gone through happened for a reason so I could ultimately be a lot happier. She told me the catalyst for all of this was me buying a house. ("Everything is going to fall into place once you have your own house again.") I doubted her, but she was right. After I bought my house, I felt like a regained a sense of purpose. When I felt sad, I painted something. Or organized something. Or unpacked boxes. Every change I made to my house made it feel more like home and helped me to regain my sense of stability and sanity.

As the sad fog cleared, I wanted to live life again. Go out. Have fun. Entertain. Enjoy making new memories in my new house. And I've been pretty successful with that. 2013 has been action packed. I've gone out and had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, and really enjoyed living my life the way I want to live it for the first time in a really long time. I'm in a new relationship with a person who likes me for me (it's still a very foreign concept) and makes me feel beautiful, and special, and loved every minute of every day.

The culmination of my journey from sad to happy occurred when I converted to Catholicism at Easter. Attending Al Anon meetings really gave me a sense of spirituality, and I felt like the time was right to really let go and let God, and start my life anew through baptism, confirmation, and first communion.  One of my best friends served as my godmother (sponsor), and on Easter Eve I joined the Catholic family with my mom, my boyfriend, and some of my good friends by my side.  I know this might seem a little out of character for me, but I really felt "right." My overall stance on religion still stands - I think it's a very personal thing. It's not my place to judge, criticize, or convert. You do your thing and I'll do mine.

So the moral of this story is, no matter how dark things may seem in your life, how awful your struggles may be, you need to keep moving. Whether physically or mentally. Nothing bad lasts forever. Every day you wake up on the "right side of the earth" is a gift and you need to try and enjoy every moment of it.

And now back to your regularly scheduled vegetarian blogging...

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 6 - Al Anon

Note: Today is day 6 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."

I think the first rule of Al Anon is "don't talk about Al Anon" to people outside of Al Anon, but screw it.  I'm talking about it. 

Despite having been in therapy for years, and years, and years with minimal progress, I recently discovered Al Anon on my own when I discovered that I am the poster child for codependency after a gut wrenching break up.  If you're not familiar with Al Anon, it's a non-denominational group meant to provide support for family and friends of alcoholics.  My dad is your typical multiple DUI alcoholic, so that gave me permission to join this group. 

Al Anon meetings are held every day of the week at varying times throughout the day in Cleveland and beyond. I'm still new at the whole Al Anon system, but meetings follow a similar format - introduction to the program, the 12 steps and traditions of Al Anon, first name introductions, passing of a basket for a dollar donation, and then a program based on a theme, topic, or guest speaker. People in the group are very welcoming and if you've ever even thought about going to a meeting, I'd encourage you to get the guts to just get up and go. It just might change your life.

The underlying theme of Al Anon is that if you've spent any time with an alcoholic, you try pretty unsuccessfully to control their drinking, or their lives to make them more reasonable people, or you've developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms based on control.  I can't say this for a fact, but I'd care to bet that if you're a perfectionist/worrywart like I am, you may have had some interactions with an alcoholic at some point in your life.  Al Anon teaches you that you need to stop trying to control your life to the nth degree and control the people around you.  If you think about it, you're really only in control of your own life.  Not your parents' lives, you're spouse's, or anyone else's.  You can encourage someone to change, but can you really make them do it?  Nope. I like to call this a less controlling version of a plan for control for control freaks. 

Since I’ve started attending Al-Anon meetings, probably for the first time in my life I don’t feel alone the way I feel about my past.  My childhood was rough.  My dad was a terrible alcoholic.  There were things I've seen him do or say that no one should ever experience in a lifetime.  To keep Dad the angry bear at bay, I spent my childhood and the better part of my 20's tip-toeing around him and his alcoholism to try and keep the peace while hiding my own feeling and suffering in silence.  And it was truly suffering.  I became a master at killing off all of my feelings.  Because when you feel, you hurt.  That's what I learned growing up.  My dad didn't stand for tears.  There was no such things as sadness.  Everything was always fine.  Even when it really wasn't.  Talking to your 8 year old about suicide?  Not fine. Physical violence? Not fine. Being blamed for the most ridiculous things that a child could never be responsible for? Not fine.  I'd love for the world to know what a monster my dad really is, but I've long since forgiven him for what he's done in order to be able to move on in my life without him. 

In Al Anon, I’ve met so many people who’ve unknowingly let baggage from their awful childhoods ruin perfectly good adult relationships but who have been able to completely change themselves so they have healthier relationships in the future.  I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off of my heart.  I wish I could have discovered this organization so much sooner.  You can’t live your life with regrets, obviously, but I wish I had recognized how a lot of my actions were hurting various people in my life.  I was definitely in love and being loved by people, but I had a hard time accepting that love.  And communicating my needs, because I'd grown up really feeling like my needs weren't important.  I needed to do what was important to keep someone else happy at all times.  Even if that made me miserable.  One of my friends (Yosef) used to hug me every day just because.  He wanted to show me that I didn't have to lock myself in the cold, lonely world I'd created as a defense mechanism as a kid.  He really opened my eyes to love and being open to being lovable.  

I feel pretty like what I’m learning in these meetings is really going to help me to change the way I live my life so I can be the person I was always meant to be, if that makes sense.  As they say in Al-Anon, you need to let go and let God.  The things that are meant to happen in your life will happen in their own time.  I often wish I had a fast forward button so I could see what the next chapter in life holds for me, but for now, I feel better putting my fate in someone else’s hands.  And I really do feel like this behavior modification I'm going through is putting me on a path to being consistently happy. 

Disclaimer: This blog post is my own personal opinion of the Al Anon program. Please check out the official web site or attend a meeting to learn more.