The Burdens of Being Upright

If you want to read about booze, food, or CLE happenings, this post is not for you. However, if you've been following my blog for any length of time and wondered why I fell off the face of the earth, here's an update for you...

Blogging is one of those things that I think you're either really into or really apathetic about. After my series of life changing events last fall, I had a lot to talk about. A lot to get off my chest. A lot of feelings to sort through. I shared a lot of very personal things about me on my blog. Heck, I probably even over-shared. But getting my feelings out of my head and into the world helped me to heal and move on. (in addition to all of the love and support I received from my amazing friends and family)

My mother (who happens to always be right, even when I think she isn't) assured me that the funk I was in would eventually fade, that my life would go on, and that I would realize that all of the crappy stuff I'd gone through happened for a reason so I could ultimately be a lot happier. She told me the catalyst for all of this was me buying a house. ("Everything is going to fall into place once you have your own house again.") I doubted her, but she was right. After I bought my house, I felt like a regained a sense of purpose. When I felt sad, I painted something. Or organized something. Or unpacked boxes. Every change I made to my house made it feel more like home and helped me to regain my sense of stability and sanity.

As the sad fog cleared, I wanted to live life again. Go out. Have fun. Entertain. Enjoy making new memories in my new house. And I've been pretty successful with that. 2013 has been action packed. I've gone out and had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, and really enjoyed living my life the way I want to live it for the first time in a really long time. I'm in a new relationship with a person who likes me for me (it's still a very foreign concept) and makes me feel beautiful, and special, and loved every minute of every day.

The culmination of my journey from sad to happy occurred when I converted to Catholicism at Easter. Attending Al Anon meetings really gave me a sense of spirituality, and I felt like the time was right to really let go and let God, and start my life anew through baptism, confirmation, and first communion.  One of my best friends served as my godmother (sponsor), and on Easter Eve I joined the Catholic family with my mom, my boyfriend, and some of my good friends by my side.  I know this might seem a little out of character for me, but I really felt "right." My overall stance on religion still stands - I think it's a very personal thing. It's not my place to judge, criticize, or convert. You do your thing and I'll do mine.

So the moral of this story is, no matter how dark things may seem in your life, how awful your struggles may be, you need to keep moving. Whether physically or mentally. Nothing bad lasts forever. Every day you wake up on the "right side of the earth" is a gift and you need to try and enjoy every moment of it.

And now back to your regularly scheduled vegetarian blogging...

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 17 - Aging Gracefully

Note: Today is day 17 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."

Do you ever look back at photos of yourself from the past and cringe? I know plenty of people who would love go to back to their college years or early 20's. But not me! I am perfectly happy with being 31. And because of that, for today, I am thankful for aging gracefully.



Somewhere around 2002

 I was kind of a mess in my early 20's. I was out of shape, my hair was terrible, my skin was equally bad, and I intermittently had a unibrow. All I wanted to be was a size zero girl with perfectly straight hair and a perfectly perfect life. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. But maybe that's what your 20's are all about. Figuring out who you are and where you'd like to be in life.

Up until recently, I've said that my 30's have been the best years of my life. And I'm sure in time I'll feel that way again. I have a job I love. I make more than enough money to survive on my own without struggling. My hair is still a mess but I've embraced that crazy, big hair is kind of my thing. I'm no size zero, but running has allowed me to be in the best shape of my life. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I've learned to love myself which is really important. Roxanne today is a prettier and better person than she was 10 years ago. And despite this little sad slump I'm having, I'm sure that overall, I'll be happier as the years go on and I get to know myself even better and feel even more confident about who I am and where I'm going. And I hope to look back 10 years from now and like what I see in the mirror then even more than the me I see now. Even if she is a little older and has a little more grey hair.

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 16 - Having a Midlife Crisis

Note: Today is day 16 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."

Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!

I don't when it hit me exactly, but I recently realized that I am a full fledged grown up. Maybe it's because I've had too much time to myself to reflect on everything in my life, but I've been taking an inventory of who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going, and I don't really like what I see. So today, I'm thankful for being in the midst of a midlife crisis.

For years and years and years, I was on what I called the Stepford wife/mommy track. I fully expected to be married by now with at least one kid. I'd focused on my career so I could get to a point where I could have some flexibility to work part time if/when I were to have a child. I was SO sure that the road map for life in my head was unrolling in front of me. When in reality, my road map led me right off a cliff.

Living as a "me" now rather than a "we" is a whole different ballgame. I'm not going to meet the future Mr. Roxanne in my living room (most likely) so I've been going out more often. And that is kind of a drag. I'm the kind of girl who never liked drinking and partying and staying out late, and to be thrust into this lifestyle that I missed out on 10 years ago when I'm 31 is not so awesome.

So what's a girl to do? Besides fret about the future. I have plenty of goals that seem pretty unreachable on my own. But the one thing I do know is that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and take one tiny step in front of the other. I have no idea where life is going to take me. Maybe what I thought I wanted isn't really what I wanted after all? One day this will all make sense. And I hope to laugh about this bizarro time in my life where I can't tell right from wrong and up from down. Maybe I'll end up married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll run off to a hippie commune in the spring. The future is unwritten. For now, I'm just going to try and enjoy this crazy ride called life.