The Burdens of Being Upright

If you want to read about booze, food, or CLE happenings, this post is not for you. However, if you've been following my blog for any length of time and wondered why I fell off the face of the earth, here's an update for you...

Blogging is one of those things that I think you're either really into or really apathetic about. After my series of life changing events last fall, I had a lot to talk about. A lot to get off my chest. A lot of feelings to sort through. I shared a lot of very personal things about me on my blog. Heck, I probably even over-shared. But getting my feelings out of my head and into the world helped me to heal and move on. (in addition to all of the love and support I received from my amazing friends and family)

My mother (who happens to always be right, even when I think she isn't) assured me that the funk I was in would eventually fade, that my life would go on, and that I would realize that all of the crappy stuff I'd gone through happened for a reason so I could ultimately be a lot happier. She told me the catalyst for all of this was me buying a house. ("Everything is going to fall into place once you have your own house again.") I doubted her, but she was right. After I bought my house, I felt like a regained a sense of purpose. When I felt sad, I painted something. Or organized something. Or unpacked boxes. Every change I made to my house made it feel more like home and helped me to regain my sense of stability and sanity.

As the sad fog cleared, I wanted to live life again. Go out. Have fun. Entertain. Enjoy making new memories in my new house. And I've been pretty successful with that. 2013 has been action packed. I've gone out and had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, and really enjoyed living my life the way I want to live it for the first time in a really long time. I'm in a new relationship with a person who likes me for me (it's still a very foreign concept) and makes me feel beautiful, and special, and loved every minute of every day.

The culmination of my journey from sad to happy occurred when I converted to Catholicism at Easter. Attending Al Anon meetings really gave me a sense of spirituality, and I felt like the time was right to really let go and let God, and start my life anew through baptism, confirmation, and first communion.  One of my best friends served as my godmother (sponsor), and on Easter Eve I joined the Catholic family with my mom, my boyfriend, and some of my good friends by my side.  I know this might seem a little out of character for me, but I really felt "right." My overall stance on religion still stands - I think it's a very personal thing. It's not my place to judge, criticize, or convert. You do your thing and I'll do mine.

So the moral of this story is, no matter how dark things may seem in your life, how awful your struggles may be, you need to keep moving. Whether physically or mentally. Nothing bad lasts forever. Every day you wake up on the "right side of the earth" is a gift and you need to try and enjoy every moment of it.

And now back to your regularly scheduled vegetarian blogging...

31 Going on 21

Have you ever seen the movie 13 Going on 30? I LOVE that movie! If only we could all get in a time machine and go back and completely change our lives, huh?

I've been pretty quiet since the end of 2012. At least here in the blogosphere. In real life, I rang in the new year with a hodge podge of friends and family, complete with a Taylor Swift karaoke session on my part (that girl and I could be friends, I think...or at least talk about relationships). For the record, I do not sing well. And I'm also a terrible drinker. Shout out to my mom for being there to cart my sorry behind up to bed when I conked out at my own party. (I'm out of practice, what can I say?)

In some ways I feel like I'm 31 going on 21. I've mentioned on this blog before that I've been in long term relationships from the ages of 19 to just a few months ago. Younger, more naive Roxanne molded herself into a person she though her former boyfriends would like. (hello, codependency!) With Kevin, I didn't drink because he didn't drink. I didn't cook because he didn't cook. I didn't work out because he didn't work out...and with Jeff? We've spent too much time on that subject. But I can say that I picked up a lot of great habits. I'm neater, cleaner, can cook, and sew, and do all sorts of other domestic duties that I could never do before. And I'm a pretty active person now.

But who is Roxanne? Really? That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. Am I the girl who's been drinking bottles of wine at home alone? Maybe. Am I the girl starting dance parties after too many drinks at the bar? Unfortunately, yes. But not usually. Am I someone who puts running before everything else? Not so much anymore. So who exactly am I? While many people have a chance to find themselves when they're in their early 20's, I think I was too busy being stuck in wifey mode. I was one of those horrible 25 year olds (sorry to any of my early 20-something friends) who just wanted to be married. I had this fairy tale plotted out in my head. But as we all know, fairy tales are just that - fictional.

So what does 31 year old Roxanne want? That's a tough question. If you'd asked me a year ago, I think many of my answers would have been different. Being single girl Roxanne has given me some insight as to what I want. Or at least what I think I want now.

1. Old Roxanne was an introverted hermit by nature. True story. If you know me IRL, you might not believe that, but...it's true. But new Roxanne love beings around people. Life is about experiences. And spending time with people you care about. And having fun! That's why I've lived in my house for 4 weeks and have had 2 parties already. Because a house is just a house until it's filled with memories. Then it becomes a home. I want this house to be a home, darn it. The last house I owned on my own was just a house. My new house is my home, and I look forward to having years and years of fun there.

2. Old Roxanne was so weight/calorie/etc. conscious that she missed out on lots of fun. As the comedian Louis CK said when I saw him earlier this fall, if you want a cupcake, eat an f-ing cupcake. That's really my new motto in life. If you want something and it's not going to kill you, go for it. If you enjoy it, it's not hurting anyone, and especially if it makes you happy, do it! Because you never know what tomorrow brings. If I miss a planned run, or eat or drink more than I should, I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm not hard on other people, so why should I be so hard on myself?

3. Old Roxanne wanted commitment more than anything else in the world. It's almost embarrassing how I've chased after the fairy tale happy ending that all Disney movies feature. Even when in my heart, I knew that fairy tale wasn't going to happen. Aladdin isn't going to come and take me on a magic carpet ride. But I do believe in love and long term relationships. I've been attending mass regularly and met a couple who'd been married for over 60 years one day. 60 years! At my age, the likelihood of being married that long is pretty unlikely, but still! Think of everything that's changed in the world in the past 60 years! And if that little old couple couple make it, what's to say that I won't be grey haired, sitting next to my hard of hearing husband 40 years from now? I'm bent, but not broken. I still believe in love and marriage. Maybe now more than ever.

4. Old Roxanne was a great designated driver. New Roxanne? She needs to work on that a bit. I'm a little past my prime when it comes to boozing at the bar. Or at least I feel that way. Sure, it's ok to go out and have fun, but I'm no 25 year old party girl. There's a time and a place to have fun. A random weeknight at a dive bar in my hood? Not so much. I'm trying to get into new hobbies. I'm learning how to fix things around my house. Clearly, I know how to be that drunk girl at the bar. But I'd like to learn how to be someone else. Someone with a skill besides drinking double shots of Jaeger.

5. Old Roxanne was horribly frightened of children. New Roxanne is, too. But I am so very excited for each and every one of my friends who's expecting or recently added a baby to their family. Despite the jokes I make about being a crazy old cat lady, I hope that someday my mother gets to be a grandmother to something besides a cat. (maybe a dog this spring! but hopefully something a little less furry)

I just want to get so much more out of 2013 than years prior. I want more fun. More laughs. Less rigidity. Less chaos. Definitely less crying. Less depression. More friendships. More time with family. More time discovering my faith. More time recovering from being a depressed, codependent monster. I really think that brighter days are ahead. I wouldn't suggest having your world turned upside down for fun or anything, but I can say that the past few months have really helped me to prioritize a lot of things in my life and really focus on what's important - living life. Enjoying life. And not stressing out so much over everything. In an Al Anon meeting the other day we talked about excellence versus perfection. If you strive for perfection, you're always going to fail, because nothing is perfect 100% of the time. But if you strive for excellence? You're less likely to let yourself or others down. So that's my new motto for 2013. Excellence not perfection!

What is it you're working towards in 2013?

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 26 - Depression

Note: Today is day 26 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."

If you've ever watched tv, you've seen commercials for depression medication. My personal favorite commercial is for the woman who's a wind up toy who just stops moving at one point. I feel like that's a fairly accurate depiction of depression.

I've been depressed in the past. Who hasn't? But after my break up a couple months ago, I realized I was really struggling with depression. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning. I was crying all the time. I missed a lot of work. I couldn't focus on anything besides being sad. I realized that I had two options - I could languish in sadness forever - or I could seek help in the form of medication. Tree hugging Roxanne is generally not in favor of medication, but...life is too short and I was really sick of being sad.

I tearfully called my physician who'd seen me the week after my break up and had suggested I take anti-depressants and sleeping pills then. When I'd originally seen her, I didn't realize how much my "loss" would bring me down. But it became pretty clear that this wasn't something that I was going to easily get over on my own. In a period of a week, I'd been broken up with, I'd moved, I'd given up half of my belongings, and I'd taken a pretty significant financial loss. This would be a lot for anyone to deal with. And I wouldn't define myself as a person who accepts change very easily, so mix all of these things together and I was a hot mess. Thankfully, my doctor was great. In a matter of minutes, she'd emailed in a prescription for me for Prozac.

To be honest, I was nervous about taking Prozac. Google the word "Prozac" and you'll see all sorts of awful things. You can read about the awful side effects. Crazy things that people have done while taking Prozac. I honestly found very little positive info about taking Prozac. But I figured I was at rock bottom and even if I got literally every side effect but the Prozac helped me to make it through the day it would be totally worth it. And I can honestly say that it was.

For me, the best way to describe my experience with Prozac is to say that it makes me comfortably numb. I used to be sad, obviously, but even before the life altering chaos started in my life I was someone who was anxious a lot. I was stressed out. I suffered from insomnia. The nonstop noise in my head overanalyzing every aspect of my life was sort of maddening. But now? It's a whole different ballgame. I see the world in a completely different light. The noise in my head has been quieted. I don't see all negative all the time. I want to go out and do things and see people. It's like I've regained a sense of purpose. Like I've gotten Roxanne back. Only. this Roxanne isn't a Roxanne that ever existed before. I'm a better version of me if that makes sense.

So for today, I'm thankful for my depression. Taking anti-depressants has greatly improved my life. Had I not hit rock bottom with depression, I might not have sought out the help that I needed. In hindsight, I've probably struggled with depressin for years and I only wish I'd taken this step so much sooner. So if you're reading this and feel like you're carrying a heavy burden that's too much to bear, I'd really encourage you to seek help. It might just change your life forever.

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 12 - Music

Note: Today is day 12 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."

Hey you, I gotta tell you my long time friend
I think of all those years you saw me through tears
And the good times that we spend
311 - "Hey You"

There are few constants in life. Friends come and go. Relationships start and end. You move. You change jobs. One day things are great the next they're terrible. For me one thing in my life has always been there, no matter what - music. So today, I am thankful for music.

I've always had a special place for music in my heart. When I started playing clarinet in middle school, I had a newfound appreciation for polka music and listened to the polka show on a local am radio station after school every day. I loved the Motown music that my mom played at home. The classic rock my dad jammed out to.

I got what was THE best job in high school at Camelot Music. There I learned that the world was a bigger place than high school (thank goodness) and there were people like me who liked all kinds of music - not just what was popular on Jammin 92. Everyone I worked with there liked different types of music. I learned about rap, classical, jazz, country, new age. It was incredible. I was like Roxanne the music sponge and I learned to appreciate so many different types of music.

Music is so intertwined in every aspect of my life. I start the day out listening to upbeat music when I get ready for work. I make a point to listen to a throwback mix on my lunch hour. When I work out, my iPod provides the motivation for me to push myself farther. If I can't express the way I'm feeling about something, I'll send a song to someone and ask them to listen to it to better understand my point of view. It sets the mood for good days and bad. It lifts me up in a way that no person can. It gets me. No matter what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Music has got my back. Now and forever.

Music has gotten me through some tough times in the past, and I'm sure it will get me through some more in the future. But I'm thankful for every memory I have associated to music - good and bad.