There's a phrase that's pretty popular in Al Anon. It says "don't go to the hardware store for bread." Meaning, if you go looking for something in the wrong place, all you're going to do is get frustrated or be disappointed. And your needs aren't going to get met. (another good one is "don't go hungry waiting for someone who doesn't cook to make you dinner")
If you've been reading my series on Thirty Days of Thankful, you know I got out of a 7 year relationship a few months back. It's what inspired me to really take a good look at my life and think about who I am, where I'm going, what I need to do to be a better me, and what I'd really like in the future. In some ways, I think I was going to the hardware store for bread the past 7 years.
My ex boyfriend and I met in grad school in 2004. For me it was love at first sight. For him, he was seeing other people (unbeknownst to me) and he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to be in a relationship. And unfortunately for me, both of those things remained true during our time together. When he finally agreed to admit that we were dating, more than 6 months after anyone else would have acknowledged that we were dating, he emphasized that if things stopped being "fun" or got "too serious" he'd break up with me immediately. That should have been my first indication to run.
See, I knew I wanted committment. I'd been in a long term relationship before I met my ex, and had hoped that it would lead to marriage. And it could have, but I never felt like that person was "the one" for me. I almost immediately felt that my ex was "the one." I knew (or thought I knew, obviously) that despite his uneasiness about committment, my ex would want to settle down someday. Would want to be married. Would want to have a family. And I foolishly thought I could make him want those things with me. Ladies - let me tell you - if a man says he doesn't want committment - listen to him. I'm sure there are men out there who want to be in committed relationships. I don't know where to find one right now, but I'm sure they're out there. I really thought that if I hung in long enough with my ex, kept my mouth shut, and didn't push for a committment, some day, the fairy tale proposal I'd dreamed of would happen. (my therapist has said that a good rule of thumb is 2 years - if you're with someone for 2 years and you're not getting more serious, NEXT!) I lied to myself and said I was happy to be dating for years and years and years while everyone arround me was getting married, but on the inside, I was really unhappy about that. Every Christmas or birthday or anniversary or big event that passed without a committment was a big disappointment to me. I can't tell you how many Christmases I cried thinking THIS year would be the year that IT happened. But it never did.
Three years ago, days after cooking a Thanksgiving feast for my ex's family in our house, he announced to me on a cold Sunday morning that our relationship was over. That he didn't think he'd ever want to marry me. That there'd be no discussion. And that he was going out to watch football. All of those things were pretty hurtful but when he left me sobbing on the couch to go watch football I realized just how cold he could be.
And so I moved out, and tried unsuccessfully to start my life without him. While he was out dating other people, I was at home pining away for him. I don't even know how exactly it happened, but we started spending more time together and eventually got back together. I had to force the issue, which should have been another sign. I moved back in 8 months after I'd moved out and I was SURE we were on the right track towards happily ever after again.
Clearily, happily ever after wasn't in the cards for us. I don't even know what caused this breakup, to be honest. I was blindsided. Sure we had some issues, but not anything that I thought was serious enough to be unfixable or bad enough to break apart such a long term relationship. And that's what has made this situation SO hard for me to process and get over. Practically as I was walking out the door of my ex's house, he said, "All I ever wanted to do was marry you." That statement was soul crushing considering that's all I'd ever wanted, too. Or thought I'd ever wanted. But it obviously just wasn't meant to be. It took me a little while to accept that. I held onto the hope that this time would be like every other time where we'd split up but then realized we were "meant to be." But then I realized I just had to let that go. I want better for myself. I want committment, a family, love, and all sorts of other things that seemed to be a struggle for us. I need to go to the grocery store for bread. Where the baker gives me a fresh loaf and I'm not standing around hopelessly searching and hungry.
So for as sad as I've been to have my heart broken, I'm still very thankful for this breakup. I've really learned a lot about "me" since being out on my own again. I still believe in love and committment and that happily ever after exists somewhere. It's just going to look a lot different that I'd imagined it. I'm really digging deep and exploring some parts of my life that really needed some improvement. I hope to be a much better "me" going forward so that when the time is right, I can meet the person who wants to go with me to the grocery store to buy bread, and cereal, and milk and push our kids around in a cart.
Vegetarian and vegan living, dining, and drinking in greater Cleveland, OH.
Showing posts with label 30 Days of Thankful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 30 Days of Thankful. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 27 - Knowing Who Your Real Friends Are
Note: Today is day 27 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Ending a 7 year relationship is more like a divorce than anything else. Besides splitting up "things" when you break up with someone, you normally have to split up other relationships, too. People who are your best friends one day become complete strangers the next. It's a strange thing to go through.
When my ex and I broke up, I understood that I'd immediately lose 50% of my friends. Which was fine. We'd never really done a great job of integrating our "old" friends anyway. I'd spent a lot of time with his high school and college friends, but there was no one I was particularly close to. After we broke up the first time, many of his friends never really accepted me back into their social circle and vice versa. My ex always had this belief that crazy liberal Roxanne would scare his friends so I had to censor myself a lot when I hung out with them. When you're only "allowed" to talk about pleasantries, your relationship with someone can only go so far. Plus, in my own insecurity, I was jealous of a lot of the women in this social group. They all had what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted - commitment and seemingly happy marriages.
My ex always thought my friends were "weird" or "troubled." I'd say they were just honest. Everyone has good times and bad times in their lives. And my friends weren't afraid to talk freely about the bad things in their lives. I have friends from all different backgrounds and walks of life - and I care about them pretty much equally. Any person who plays an active role in my life is there for a reason - not just because I've known them for a long time or because we happen to be from the same home town. I try to surround myself with people who share my interests, or who support me, or who can teach me about myself and life in general.
The real wake up call after losing half of my friends was seeing who stuck around in my life and was there to support me. If you're my friend, I'd give you the shirt off my back, the money in my savings account, or I'd hold your hand if you were in the hospital. Surprisingly, to me, there were a few people who I thought I could count on as friends who really let me down. Maybe misery loves company, and once I made a decision to start getting my life back on track and moving forward, some people didn't want to make that journey with me. That was a hurtful lesson, but it really opened up my eyes as to who I can trust and who will really be there for me when the going gets rough.
So for today, I'm thankful for realizing who my real friends are. I'm thankful for every person who's been supportive during my life altering chaos and I only hope to be able to be able to repay the favor someday. And to those that showed their true colors? It was nice knowing you. The new Roxanne is moving forward without you.
Ending a 7 year relationship is more like a divorce than anything else. Besides splitting up "things" when you break up with someone, you normally have to split up other relationships, too. People who are your best friends one day become complete strangers the next. It's a strange thing to go through.
When my ex and I broke up, I understood that I'd immediately lose 50% of my friends. Which was fine. We'd never really done a great job of integrating our "old" friends anyway. I'd spent a lot of time with his high school and college friends, but there was no one I was particularly close to. After we broke up the first time, many of his friends never really accepted me back into their social circle and vice versa. My ex always had this belief that crazy liberal Roxanne would scare his friends so I had to censor myself a lot when I hung out with them. When you're only "allowed" to talk about pleasantries, your relationship with someone can only go so far. Plus, in my own insecurity, I was jealous of a lot of the women in this social group. They all had what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted - commitment and seemingly happy marriages.
My ex always thought my friends were "weird" or "troubled." I'd say they were just honest. Everyone has good times and bad times in their lives. And my friends weren't afraid to talk freely about the bad things in their lives. I have friends from all different backgrounds and walks of life - and I care about them pretty much equally. Any person who plays an active role in my life is there for a reason - not just because I've known them for a long time or because we happen to be from the same home town. I try to surround myself with people who share my interests, or who support me, or who can teach me about myself and life in general.
The real wake up call after losing half of my friends was seeing who stuck around in my life and was there to support me. If you're my friend, I'd give you the shirt off my back, the money in my savings account, or I'd hold your hand if you were in the hospital. Surprisingly, to me, there were a few people who I thought I could count on as friends who really let me down. Maybe misery loves company, and once I made a decision to start getting my life back on track and moving forward, some people didn't want to make that journey with me. That was a hurtful lesson, but it really opened up my eyes as to who I can trust and who will really be there for me when the going gets rough.
So for today, I'm thankful for realizing who my real friends are. I'm thankful for every person who's been supportive during my life altering chaos and I only hope to be able to be able to repay the favor someday. And to those that showed their true colors? It was nice knowing you. The new Roxanne is moving forward without you.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 26 - Depression
Note: Today is day 26 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
If you've ever watched tv, you've seen commercials for depression medication. My personal favorite commercial is for the woman who's a wind up toy who just stops moving at one point. I feel like that's a fairly accurate depiction of depression.
I've been depressed in the past. Who hasn't? But after my break up a couple months ago, I realized I was really struggling with depression. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning. I was crying all the time. I missed a lot of work. I couldn't focus on anything besides being sad. I realized that I had two options - I could languish in sadness forever - or I could seek help in the form of medication. Tree hugging Roxanne is generally not in favor of medication, but...life is too short and I was really sick of being sad.
I tearfully called my physician who'd seen me the week after my break up and had suggested I take anti-depressants and sleeping pills then. When I'd originally seen her, I didn't realize how much my "loss" would bring me down. But it became pretty clear that this wasn't something that I was going to easily get over on my own. In a period of a week, I'd been broken up with, I'd moved, I'd given up half of my belongings, and I'd taken a pretty significant financial loss. This would be a lot for anyone to deal with. And I wouldn't define myself as a person who accepts change very easily, so mix all of these things together and I was a hot mess. Thankfully, my doctor was great. In a matter of minutes, she'd emailed in a prescription for me for Prozac.
To be honest, I was nervous about taking Prozac. Google the word "Prozac" and you'll see all sorts of awful things. You can read about the awful side effects. Crazy things that people have done while taking Prozac. I honestly found very little positive info about taking Prozac. But I figured I was at rock bottom and even if I got literally every side effect but the Prozac helped me to make it through the day it would be totally worth it. And I can honestly say that it was.
For me, the best way to describe my experience with Prozac is to say that it makes me comfortably numb. I used to be sad, obviously, but even before the life altering chaos started in my life I was someone who was anxious a lot. I was stressed out. I suffered from insomnia. The nonstop noise in my head overanalyzing every aspect of my life was sort of maddening. But now? It's a whole different ballgame. I see the world in a completely different light. The noise in my head has been quieted. I don't see all negative all the time. I want to go out and do things and see people. It's like I've regained a sense of purpose. Like I've gotten Roxanne back. Only. this Roxanne isn't a Roxanne that ever existed before. I'm a better version of me if that makes sense.
So for today, I'm thankful for my depression. Taking anti-depressants has greatly improved my life. Had I not hit rock bottom with depression, I might not have sought out the help that I needed. In hindsight, I've probably struggled with depressin for years and I only wish I'd taken this step so much sooner. So if you're reading this and feel like you're carrying a heavy burden that's too much to bear, I'd really encourage you to seek help. It might just change your life forever.
If you've ever watched tv, you've seen commercials for depression medication. My personal favorite commercial is for the woman who's a wind up toy who just stops moving at one point. I feel like that's a fairly accurate depiction of depression.
I've been depressed in the past. Who hasn't? But after my break up a couple months ago, I realized I was really struggling with depression. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning. I was crying all the time. I missed a lot of work. I couldn't focus on anything besides being sad. I realized that I had two options - I could languish in sadness forever - or I could seek help in the form of medication. Tree hugging Roxanne is generally not in favor of medication, but...life is too short and I was really sick of being sad.
I tearfully called my physician who'd seen me the week after my break up and had suggested I take anti-depressants and sleeping pills then. When I'd originally seen her, I didn't realize how much my "loss" would bring me down. But it became pretty clear that this wasn't something that I was going to easily get over on my own. In a period of a week, I'd been broken up with, I'd moved, I'd given up half of my belongings, and I'd taken a pretty significant financial loss. This would be a lot for anyone to deal with. And I wouldn't define myself as a person who accepts change very easily, so mix all of these things together and I was a hot mess. Thankfully, my doctor was great. In a matter of minutes, she'd emailed in a prescription for me for Prozac.
To be honest, I was nervous about taking Prozac. Google the word "Prozac" and you'll see all sorts of awful things. You can read about the awful side effects. Crazy things that people have done while taking Prozac. I honestly found very little positive info about taking Prozac. But I figured I was at rock bottom and even if I got literally every side effect but the Prozac helped me to make it through the day it would be totally worth it. And I can honestly say that it was.
So for today, I'm thankful for my depression. Taking anti-depressants has greatly improved my life. Had I not hit rock bottom with depression, I might not have sought out the help that I needed. In hindsight, I've probably struggled with depressin for years and I only wish I'd taken this step so much sooner. So if you're reading this and feel like you're carrying a heavy burden that's too much to bear, I'd really encourage you to seek help. It might just change your life forever.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 25 - Being Cheap
Note: Today is day 25 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Like most kids, I had a piggy bank. This was in the days before spreadsheets, but every so often I would empty my little piggy bank and document how much money I had on a little slip of paper. I didn't just list a total. At any given time I could have told you how many pennies, dimes, nickels, and quarters I had on hand. I saved, and saved and saved...but I was never willing to spend any of my money. I might have been the cheapest 8 year old and I could very well be one of the cheapest 31 year olds. Especially when it comes to spending money on myself.
Growing up, my family didn't have all that much money. My mom worked as hard as she could and my dad hardly worked. I remember clipping coupons every Sunday with my mom and shopping for deals at Kmart. I never had the newest or best of anything, but I had more than enough. (I might not have realized it at the time but I do now) I got a job as soon as I turned 16, thinking I would spend my money on all the things my mom would never buy for me...but I was too cheap to do that. I socked my money away in the bank like a squirrel.
I've always tried to be financially responsible. I don't have student loans. I have no credit card debt. My mom has laughed at me over the years when I've told her I'm "broke." When you save the way I do, it's nearly impossible to be broke. I probably save more money in a month than I made in a month in the early days of my career.
Let's be honest, though. I don't deprive myself. I shop at Whole Foods. I don't use coupons anymore. But I also don't buy expensive jewelery. Or clothes. I don't take big vacations. I have been saving up for years to buy an investment property and to fund a nice wedding, and now that my life has changed, I am in a great position to be able to to buy and furnish a house I never thought I could afford on my own. I still hope to buy another investment property someday and I do expect to pay for a wedding at some point in my life. But...neither of those things are going to happen anytime soon, so I'm going to dip into my savings, get myself the beautiful home I've always wanted, and start my life anew.
So for today, I'm thankful for being cheap and building up my savings. I'm not spending my money the way I thought I would, but I feel like I'm very fortunate to have these funds available to me so I can keep moving forward and rebuild my life.
Like most kids, I had a piggy bank. This was in the days before spreadsheets, but every so often I would empty my little piggy bank and document how much money I had on a little slip of paper. I didn't just list a total. At any given time I could have told you how many pennies, dimes, nickels, and quarters I had on hand. I saved, and saved and saved...but I was never willing to spend any of my money. I might have been the cheapest 8 year old and I could very well be one of the cheapest 31 year olds. Especially when it comes to spending money on myself.
Growing up, my family didn't have all that much money. My mom worked as hard as she could and my dad hardly worked. I remember clipping coupons every Sunday with my mom and shopping for deals at Kmart. I never had the newest or best of anything, but I had more than enough. (I might not have realized it at the time but I do now) I got a job as soon as I turned 16, thinking I would spend my money on all the things my mom would never buy for me...but I was too cheap to do that. I socked my money away in the bank like a squirrel.
I've always tried to be financially responsible. I don't have student loans. I have no credit card debt. My mom has laughed at me over the years when I've told her I'm "broke." When you save the way I do, it's nearly impossible to be broke. I probably save more money in a month than I made in a month in the early days of my career.
Let's be honest, though. I don't deprive myself. I shop at Whole Foods. I don't use coupons anymore. But I also don't buy expensive jewelery. Or clothes. I don't take big vacations. I have been saving up for years to buy an investment property and to fund a nice wedding, and now that my life has changed, I am in a great position to be able to to buy and furnish a house I never thought I could afford on my own. I still hope to buy another investment property someday and I do expect to pay for a wedding at some point in my life. But...neither of those things are going to happen anytime soon, so I'm going to dip into my savings, get myself the beautiful home I've always wanted, and start my life anew.
So for today, I'm thankful for being cheap and building up my savings. I'm not spending my money the way I thought I would, but I feel like I'm very fortunate to have these funds available to me so I can keep moving forward and rebuild my life.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 24 - Learning How to Say No
Note: Today is day 24 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Have you ever thought about the word no? It's universally understood these days. You could be almost anywhere in the world, but if you say the word, "no," people will understand what you mean. So why is a word that's so easily understood so hard to use?
A few weeks ago, I talked about struggling with codependency. As someone who identifies herself as being codependent, I find it very difficult to say no. I hate to disappoint people in my life, and I've been prone to just saying "yes" because it felt like the right thing to do rather than what I actually wanted. But I think I'm doing a lot better with that.
As Beyonce would say, "me, myself and I...that's all I got in the end...I took a vow that from now on I'm going to be my own best friend." So simple yet so poignant. For such a long time I was so focused on making other people happy that I forgot what was important to me. It's like I was a puppet in someone else's life. Sure, compromise is important, but you need to know when to say when and stand up for yourself. I want to play the role of leading lady in my life - not the role of head doormat.
A friend of mine used to make fun of me for planning out every second of every weekend. The thought of having free time killed me. I tried to jam pack as many things as I could into each day. In hindsight, I think I was doing that because I was so unhappy with myself and some of the things that were going on in my life. I wanted to stay busy so I wouldn't have time to think about the things going on around me that I didn't like.
So I consider today to be a victory in the war against "just saying yes." It's nearly 6 pm and I'm still in my pajamas. I didn't run today. I didn't clean today. I didn't really talk to anyone today. I'm just enjoying a day to myself. There were plenty of things I could have done today. Plenty of people I could have seen. But I felt comfortable enough with myself to just say no.
Have you ever thought about the word no? It's universally understood these days. You could be almost anywhere in the world, but if you say the word, "no," people will understand what you mean. So why is a word that's so easily understood so hard to use?
A few weeks ago, I talked about struggling with codependency. As someone who identifies herself as being codependent, I find it very difficult to say no. I hate to disappoint people in my life, and I've been prone to just saying "yes" because it felt like the right thing to do rather than what I actually wanted. But I think I'm doing a lot better with that.
As Beyonce would say, "me, myself and I...that's all I got in the end...I took a vow that from now on I'm going to be my own best friend." So simple yet so poignant. For such a long time I was so focused on making other people happy that I forgot what was important to me. It's like I was a puppet in someone else's life. Sure, compromise is important, but you need to know when to say when and stand up for yourself. I want to play the role of leading lady in my life - not the role of head doormat.
A friend of mine used to make fun of me for planning out every second of every weekend. The thought of having free time killed me. I tried to jam pack as many things as I could into each day. In hindsight, I think I was doing that because I was so unhappy with myself and some of the things that were going on in my life. I wanted to stay busy so I wouldn't have time to think about the things going on around me that I didn't like.
So I consider today to be a victory in the war against "just saying yes." It's nearly 6 pm and I'm still in my pajamas. I didn't run today. I didn't clean today. I didn't really talk to anyone today. I'm just enjoying a day to myself. There were plenty of things I could have done today. Plenty of people I could have seen. But I felt comfortable enough with myself to just say no.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 23 - Black Friday
Note: Today is day 23 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
I worked in retail during high school, college, and a few years after. Like many people who work in retail, having to work ridiculous hours and deal with unreasonable people really put a damper on the holiday season. I never understood why anyone would camp out overnight on Thanksgiving to save a few dollars on big ticket items. But then again, I've never really been into buying expensive things for the holidays. I really hate how commercialism seems to rule these days. I'd much rather have someone make or buy me a small, heartfelt gift than try to impress me by spending a lot of money.
But I have to say, that like many other things that have changed in my life as of late, I'm pretty excited about Black Friday shopping today. When I moved a few months back, I had office furniture, a bedroom set, 4 kitchen chairs, a tv, and little else. (friends, if you go "halves" on something with a significant other or buy a lot of furniture for someone else's house, be sure to discuss who gets to keep what if you break up) The house I'm renting is dollhouse sized, so I haven't had the opportunity to buy too much furniture, but...the house I'm buying has plenty of space for all kinds of things.
I have befriended furniture salespeople all over northeast Ohio, and I plan on stopping by quite a few stores today to cash in on holiday deals. I can get up at 5am to save 20% on a dining room set. Or drive to Akron to save hundreds on a sectional. I'm getting into the thrill of the chase of holiday deals. I've been eyeballing a flat screen tv to hang over my new fireplace. I don't want to have to fight over one with yahoos standing in a line at a store, so I plan on using my web searching skills to find the best deal before Christmas.
Before you worry about me completely going off the deep end and suddenly becoming materialistic, I have a good reason for wanting to buy all of these things. I am so thankful for all of the kindness my friends have shown me over the past few months that I can't wait to have the kind of house where I can entertain and have people over for board game parties or dinner parties. A place with extra space so my friends from out of town can drive in and spend the weekend without me having to sleep on the floor. A house with enough room for me to take a friend if in they were to go through a breakup like I did. I want to live in a home. Right now I'm renting a house. I want my own home to be a place designed for making memories. And I think the first step to doing that is providing a place to sit for my guests. So wish me luck as I hit the stores today!
I worked in retail during high school, college, and a few years after. Like many people who work in retail, having to work ridiculous hours and deal with unreasonable people really put a damper on the holiday season. I never understood why anyone would camp out overnight on Thanksgiving to save a few dollars on big ticket items. But then again, I've never really been into buying expensive things for the holidays. I really hate how commercialism seems to rule these days. I'd much rather have someone make or buy me a small, heartfelt gift than try to impress me by spending a lot of money.
But I have to say, that like many other things that have changed in my life as of late, I'm pretty excited about Black Friday shopping today. When I moved a few months back, I had office furniture, a bedroom set, 4 kitchen chairs, a tv, and little else. (friends, if you go "halves" on something with a significant other or buy a lot of furniture for someone else's house, be sure to discuss who gets to keep what if you break up) The house I'm renting is dollhouse sized, so I haven't had the opportunity to buy too much furniture, but...the house I'm buying has plenty of space for all kinds of things.
I have befriended furniture salespeople all over northeast Ohio, and I plan on stopping by quite a few stores today to cash in on holiday deals. I can get up at 5am to save 20% on a dining room set. Or drive to Akron to save hundreds on a sectional. I'm getting into the thrill of the chase of holiday deals. I've been eyeballing a flat screen tv to hang over my new fireplace. I don't want to have to fight over one with yahoos standing in a line at a store, so I plan on using my web searching skills to find the best deal before Christmas.
Before you worry about me completely going off the deep end and suddenly becoming materialistic, I have a good reason for wanting to buy all of these things. I am so thankful for all of the kindness my friends have shown me over the past few months that I can't wait to have the kind of house where I can entertain and have people over for board game parties or dinner parties. A place with extra space so my friends from out of town can drive in and spend the weekend without me having to sleep on the floor. A house with enough room for me to take a friend if in they were to go through a breakup like I did. I want to live in a home. Right now I'm renting a house. I want my own home to be a place designed for making memories. And I think the first step to doing that is providing a place to sit for my guests. So wish me luck as I hit the stores today!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 22 - Thanksgiving
Note: Today is day 22 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Despite the fact that I'm a vegetarian, Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days of the whole year. It's a holiday centered around togetherness, and family, and being thankful for what you have. There's no forced giving. Commercialism. (if you ignore the whole black Friday part) Just you, good food, if you're lucky, your family and/or friends.
Since I'm in the middle of the stressful house buying process and this is my first holiday alone, I spent a pretty low key day with my cats. But next year? There's going to be a feast of epic proportions in the new casa de Roxanne.
Remember to be thankful for what you have today. Even if you're not feeling so great about your life, remember things could always be worse. Life changes in an instant. Cherish the moments you have today.
Despite the fact that I'm a vegetarian, Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days of the whole year. It's a holiday centered around togetherness, and family, and being thankful for what you have. There's no forced giving. Commercialism. (if you ignore the whole black Friday part) Just you, good food, if you're lucky, your family and/or friends.
Since I'm in the middle of the stressful house buying process and this is my first holiday alone, I spent a pretty low key day with my cats. But next year? There's going to be a feast of epic proportions in the new casa de Roxanne.
Remember to be thankful for what you have today. Even if you're not feeling so great about your life, remember things could always be worse. Life changes in an instant. Cherish the moments you have today.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 21 - Home Ownership
Note: Today is day 21 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
I mentioned last week how irritated I was with the house hunting process. Someone in the universe must have heard my complaints because since I last blogged about house hunting, I've found an incredible house that I put an offer in on. And after a bit of haggling, it was accepted!
Now, the home buying process is stressful for pretty much everyone. But I think it's a little more stressful for me because 1. everything happened so fast 2. I already own a house and the idea of having 2 house payments freaks me out and 3. I worry about everything more than anyone ever should. But since I believe everything happens for a reason, I'm telling myself that me randomly finding this house was meant to be.
I've actually eyeballed what is about to be my new home for months. It's a bit closer to where I used to live than I'd like it to be, and it used to be on one of my old standby running routes. I remember when it went on the market in February. I thought it was a strange looking house and didn't think it would sell very fast. Little did I know that 9 months later, I would randomly see an ad for an open house and would drag my mom there with me 5 minutes before the open house was set to end.
This house is not at all what I was looking for. It's bigger than literally every house I've looked at. It's in a neighborhood I never thought I could afford. I don't really like the color green. It has none of the characteristics that I thought I wanted in a home. The kitchen is outdated. There are no wood floors. I've never seen such crazy looking bathrooms. The yard is huge and I'm literally allergic to grass. But something about this house made my heart sing. My grandpa was a carpenter and most likely, he worked on this house when it was built in 1971. I always looked up to my grandpa, and I think it will be incredibly cool to live in a place that he worked on.
I'm hoping that finding this house is a sign that more good things are to come. I had literally just told my mom that I was "done" looking at houses until January when I found this house. Or maybe it found me? I can't help but wonder if this house hunting process has been a metaphor for life. I was SO sure I knew exactly what kind of house I wanted...but I'm ending up with something completely different. I thought my life was headed in one direction...and now it's moving in a completely direction. Seems like a crazy coincidence.
So for today, I am thankful for the prospect of being a dual homeowner. My final inspection is Friday. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Oh, and if you see my tenants, please remind them to keep paying me their rent because I'm really going to need it now!
I mentioned last week how irritated I was with the house hunting process. Someone in the universe must have heard my complaints because since I last blogged about house hunting, I've found an incredible house that I put an offer in on. And after a bit of haggling, it was accepted!
 |
| Cheesin in front of my new crib |
I've actually eyeballed what is about to be my new home for months. It's a bit closer to where I used to live than I'd like it to be, and it used to be on one of my old standby running routes. I remember when it went on the market in February. I thought it was a strange looking house and didn't think it would sell very fast. Little did I know that 9 months later, I would randomly see an ad for an open house and would drag my mom there with me 5 minutes before the open house was set to end.
This house is not at all what I was looking for. It's bigger than literally every house I've looked at. It's in a neighborhood I never thought I could afford. I don't really like the color green. It has none of the characteristics that I thought I wanted in a home. The kitchen is outdated. There are no wood floors. I've never seen such crazy looking bathrooms. The yard is huge and I'm literally allergic to grass. But something about this house made my heart sing. My grandpa was a carpenter and most likely, he worked on this house when it was built in 1971. I always looked up to my grandpa, and I think it will be incredibly cool to live in a place that he worked on.
I'm hoping that finding this house is a sign that more good things are to come. I had literally just told my mom that I was "done" looking at houses until January when I found this house. Or maybe it found me? I can't help but wonder if this house hunting process has been a metaphor for life. I was SO sure I knew exactly what kind of house I wanted...but I'm ending up with something completely different. I thought my life was headed in one direction...and now it's moving in a completely direction. Seems like a crazy coincidence.
So for today, I am thankful for the prospect of being a dual homeowner. My final inspection is Friday. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Oh, and if you see my tenants, please remind them to keep paying me their rent because I'm really going to need it now!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 20 - Alcohol
Note: Today is day 20 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
I love you more, than the week I did before, I discovered alcohol
Would you please ignore, that you found me on the floor
- "Alcohol" - Bare Naked Ladies
Being alone near the holidays can be rough. I went to Whole Foods the other day and bought a cart full of wine and the cashier asked if I was responsible for providing beverages for the holiday. I shamelessly explained that the wine was going to be my dinner. I was only half kidding.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a little rough for me. It's the first time I won't be hosting Thanksgiving dinner. The first time I'll be alone for a holiday. I could continue on with the pity party, but I think you get my drift. It's not the way I enjoy spending a holiday, but it's not the end of the world and I know I'll survive.
I probably should be ashamed to admit than I've been drinking a bit more than I should lately, but it really is what it is. For the most part, I'm being responsible. There have been a couple times when I should have known when to say when, but thankfully, I have great friends who know when to get my sorry behind home safely instead. I'm trying to enjoy life again. And sometimes that fun includes having an adult beverage or five.
I am well aware of the dangers of using alcohol to cope. I go to Al Anon multiple times a week. I get that it's not a healthy behavior, but, a glass of wine once in awhile while I'm home alone isn't going to kill me, I think. Neither is a happy hour or two with coworkers. Or a night out at the bar once in awhile with my friends. I'm in this crazy transitional period where I'm trying to figure out who the heck I am. I never really went out in my younger years, so maybe I have some going out to get out of my system before I move into the next phase of my adult life.
So today, I am thankful for alcohol. The cause of and solution to life's problems.
I love you more, than the week I did before, I discovered alcohol
Would you please ignore, that you found me on the floor
- "Alcohol" - Bare Naked Ladies
Being alone near the holidays can be rough. I went to Whole Foods the other day and bought a cart full of wine and the cashier asked if I was responsible for providing beverages for the holiday. I shamelessly explained that the wine was going to be my dinner. I was only half kidding.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a little rough for me. It's the first time I won't be hosting Thanksgiving dinner. The first time I'll be alone for a holiday. I could continue on with the pity party, but I think you get my drift. It's not the way I enjoy spending a holiday, but it's not the end of the world and I know I'll survive.
I probably should be ashamed to admit than I've been drinking a bit more than I should lately, but it really is what it is. For the most part, I'm being responsible. There have been a couple times when I should have known when to say when, but thankfully, I have great friends who know when to get my sorry behind home safely instead. I'm trying to enjoy life again. And sometimes that fun includes having an adult beverage or five.
I am well aware of the dangers of using alcohol to cope. I go to Al Anon multiple times a week. I get that it's not a healthy behavior, but, a glass of wine once in awhile while I'm home alone isn't going to kill me, I think. Neither is a happy hour or two with coworkers. Or a night out at the bar once in awhile with my friends. I'm in this crazy transitional period where I'm trying to figure out who the heck I am. I never really went out in my younger years, so maybe I have some going out to get out of my system before I move into the next phase of my adult life.
So today, I am thankful for alcohol. The cause of and solution to life's problems.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 19 - Overcoming Fear
Note: Today is day 19 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
-T.S. Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
T.S. Eliot is probably my favorite poet of all time. And that poem is my absolute favorite poem of all time. If you haven't read the whole poem, it basically talks about being insecure, afraid, and letting your fears get the best of you.
A lot of my life up until recently has been ruled by fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of taking risks. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing other people. Fear of disappointing myself. But in this new world I'm living in, I've some to realize that there's something empowering about overcoming fear.
Life as of late has been all about overcoming fears. I haven't lived alone in 4 years, so that was pretty scary at first. Although the person I lived with previously traveled for work all the time and left me home by myself and I travel and stay by myself more often than I'd like to even think about, the first night alone in my new home was rough. My cats and I huddled together, jumping every time we heard the tiniest noise. Which is kind of ridiculous. I live in a safe neighborhood. And to be honest, the house I'm renting up is kind of busted up, so if anyone is going to rob anything, it's not going to be my place. Plus, I'm across the street from a high school stadium, so cops tend to patrol the area nonstop. I don't need another person to make me feel safe. I'm in control of how I feel.
I haven't been single in about 12 years, and that was - and still is - a little scary at times. But it's not the end of the world. Despite what I've told myself for years and years, I am perfectly ok on my own. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but I don't need someone in my life to make me happy. I have great friends, an even better family, and spending time alone isn't quite as bad as I expected it to be. Check that off the "fear" list.
Another huge fear of mine is swimming. Silly, I know. But my ex's parents had a boat that was spent a lot of time on and being on the water really made me more than a little panic stricken. I tried to keep my cool about it, but...it was tough. I'm "over" missing out on summertime fun, so I signed myself up for swim lessons starting next week. I hope to add this to my ever increasing list of things that I used to be afraid of that I've overcome.
Life is really too short to be ruled my fear. Take a risk. Try something new. The worst thing that will happen is that you don't like what you're doing. I know that I plan on really focusing on addressing the fears in my life going forward and doing my best to try and get past them. Because it's a lot more fun to take a risk and fail than sit in your house and be afraid.
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
-T.S. Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
T.S. Eliot is probably my favorite poet of all time. And that poem is my absolute favorite poem of all time. If you haven't read the whole poem, it basically talks about being insecure, afraid, and letting your fears get the best of you.
A lot of my life up until recently has been ruled by fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of taking risks. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing other people. Fear of disappointing myself. But in this new world I'm living in, I've some to realize that there's something empowering about overcoming fear.
Life as of late has been all about overcoming fears. I haven't lived alone in 4 years, so that was pretty scary at first. Although the person I lived with previously traveled for work all the time and left me home by myself and I travel and stay by myself more often than I'd like to even think about, the first night alone in my new home was rough. My cats and I huddled together, jumping every time we heard the tiniest noise. Which is kind of ridiculous. I live in a safe neighborhood. And to be honest, the house I'm renting up is kind of busted up, so if anyone is going to rob anything, it's not going to be my place. Plus, I'm across the street from a high school stadium, so cops tend to patrol the area nonstop. I don't need another person to make me feel safe. I'm in control of how I feel.
I haven't been single in about 12 years, and that was - and still is - a little scary at times. But it's not the end of the world. Despite what I've told myself for years and years, I am perfectly ok on my own. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but I don't need someone in my life to make me happy. I have great friends, an even better family, and spending time alone isn't quite as bad as I expected it to be. Check that off the "fear" list.
Another huge fear of mine is swimming. Silly, I know. But my ex's parents had a boat that was spent a lot of time on and being on the water really made me more than a little panic stricken. I tried to keep my cool about it, but...it was tough. I'm "over" missing out on summertime fun, so I signed myself up for swim lessons starting next week. I hope to add this to my ever increasing list of things that I used to be afraid of that I've overcome.
Life is really too short to be ruled my fear. Take a risk. Try something new. The worst thing that will happen is that you don't like what you're doing. I know that I plan on really focusing on addressing the fears in my life going forward and doing my best to try and get past them. Because it's a lot more fun to take a risk and fail than sit in your house and be afraid.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 18 - Running
In my 30 Days of Thankful series, every post I've written has been very personal, but...this one was harder to write than others. Running has brought me such joy and such sadness over the years. It's been a love affair of sorts.
Growing up, I was completely unathletic. I played basketball for about 30 seconds in middle school. I was an alternate on the tennis team. And once high school rolled around, I realized I was better suited for things like band and drama club. Like your typical band nerd teenager, I struggled with self esteem issues. I wasn't happy with how I looked, my weight...along with plenty of other things. In particular, my weight always bothered me. I couldn't fit into the cute clothes that the other girls in school wore, so I dressed outlandishly. In thrift store garb one day and vinyl pants and black lipstick the next. I look at pictures now and cringe.
College was a little better, but I was still unhappy with my weight. My mom and boyfriend at that time assured me I looked great, but I never felt that way. I would starve myself to try and lose weight. As I've learned through my recent discovery of codependent traits in my life, this was basically a power struggle with myself. I was so unhappy with myself for other reasons and starving myself gave me a high of sorts. A feeling of power when everything else felt out of control. I kept doing this for years until I discovered something that would change my life forever - running.
I'd really never thought about running. I was overweight. Unathletic. I'd attempted to run once or twice but never really liked it. But in 2007, I decided I was going to run in a 5K. Why? For no real particular reason. I was working in a department with a lot of young people, and one day we were all talking and thought "why don't we do this." So a bunch of us decided to sign up for a 5K. The Lakewood Hospital Ambulance Chase. To be honest, I was completely freaked out. I barely knew how far a 5K was let alone how I was going to finish one. My boyfriend at the time was a great runner and he was a great motivator. (although his running awesomeness was a little intimidating to me) He called me the little engine that can. "You CAN do this, " he repeatedly told me. Too bad I didn't believe that myself.
I downloaded Hal Higdon's 5K training plan and followed it religiously. Or as religiously as I could. My head wanted to run but my body did not. Some days it felt like every cell in my body was screaming, "STOP," but I refused to listen. And soon enough it was 5K race day. I didn't think I'd be able to run the whole race, but I did. I finished in 26:34. My boyfriend at the time was so proud of me he printed my race results out and put them on the fridge. I think they stayed on that fridge for at least 5 years. I used to look at them every morning when I was making my coffee to remind myself of how far my running has come.
After that race, I got the running bug. I ran as many 5Ks as I could find. I talked about the possibility of someday running a 10K. Someday happened the following spring when I ran the Cleveland Marathon 10K. Then in 2009 I ran my first half marathon in Columbus. I finished in 2:03:09. The following year I came back and ran my first full marathon and finished in a little under four and a half hours. I ran my second marathon in 2011. And this past year, I ran my first 50K.
I'm oversimplifying my journey in distance running. This didn't come easy to me. I injured both ankles along the way. Had to wear a boot cast on either foot at different times. I had to go to physical therapy. After I ran my second marathon in Cleveland in 2011, I got a stress fracture and spent the entire following summer sidelined. I thought at one point I might never run again. Heck, people in my life encouraged me to never run again. But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a quitter.
Running has brought me so much happiness and so much pain. I've gotten a sense of accomplishment from training for and completing so many different races. I've gotten into the best shape of my life and I've never been happier with how my body looks and feels. I joined a running club and met some of the best friends a person could ask for. But at different times, I've taken running a little too seriously. Missed out on having fun with the people in my life because I had to train or had to go to a race. I pushed myself too hard and in turn, pushed other people away. Heck, my boyfriend at the time used all the time I spent training for my first marathon to start a relationship with someone else while I wasn't around. But I really wouldn't go back and change a thing about my adventures in running. Every run, every race, every injury...it's helped to make me a better runner and a stronger person.
Just like most other things in my life, my perspective on running has really changed in the past few months. While nearly every runner I know is already planning out their running schedules for 2013, I don't plan on signing up for anything. I want to run for fun for awhile and see what that's like. No pressure. No goals. Just my feet and the ground. Because one of the few things I know for certain is that there's nothing that makes me feel better than a good run. It lets me clear my head, see the beauty around me, and help me realize what's really important in my life.
Growing up, I was completely unathletic. I played basketball for about 30 seconds in middle school. I was an alternate on the tennis team. And once high school rolled around, I realized I was better suited for things like band and drama club. Like your typical band nerd teenager, I struggled with self esteem issues. I wasn't happy with how I looked, my weight...along with plenty of other things. In particular, my weight always bothered me. I couldn't fit into the cute clothes that the other girls in school wore, so I dressed outlandishly. In thrift store garb one day and vinyl pants and black lipstick the next. I look at pictures now and cringe.
College was a little better, but I was still unhappy with my weight. My mom and boyfriend at that time assured me I looked great, but I never felt that way. I would starve myself to try and lose weight. As I've learned through my recent discovery of codependent traits in my life, this was basically a power struggle with myself. I was so unhappy with myself for other reasons and starving myself gave me a high of sorts. A feeling of power when everything else felt out of control. I kept doing this for years until I discovered something that would change my life forever - running.
I'd really never thought about running. I was overweight. Unathletic. I'd attempted to run once or twice but never really liked it. But in 2007, I decided I was going to run in a 5K. Why? For no real particular reason. I was working in a department with a lot of young people, and one day we were all talking and thought "why don't we do this." So a bunch of us decided to sign up for a 5K. The Lakewood Hospital Ambulance Chase. To be honest, I was completely freaked out. I barely knew how far a 5K was let alone how I was going to finish one. My boyfriend at the time was a great runner and he was a great motivator. (although his running awesomeness was a little intimidating to me) He called me the little engine that can. "You CAN do this, " he repeatedly told me. Too bad I didn't believe that myself.
I downloaded Hal Higdon's 5K training plan and followed it religiously. Or as religiously as I could. My head wanted to run but my body did not. Some days it felt like every cell in my body was screaming, "STOP," but I refused to listen. And soon enough it was 5K race day. I didn't think I'd be able to run the whole race, but I did. I finished in 26:34. My boyfriend at the time was so proud of me he printed my race results out and put them on the fridge. I think they stayed on that fridge for at least 5 years. I used to look at them every morning when I was making my coffee to remind myself of how far my running has come.
 |
| Ambulance Chase 2007 |
I'm oversimplifying my journey in distance running. This didn't come easy to me. I injured both ankles along the way. Had to wear a boot cast on either foot at different times. I had to go to physical therapy. After I ran my second marathon in Cleveland in 2011, I got a stress fracture and spent the entire following summer sidelined. I thought at one point I might never run again. Heck, people in my life encouraged me to never run again. But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a quitter.
Running has brought me so much happiness and so much pain. I've gotten a sense of accomplishment from training for and completing so many different races. I've gotten into the best shape of my life and I've never been happier with how my body looks and feels. I joined a running club and met some of the best friends a person could ask for. But at different times, I've taken running a little too seriously. Missed out on having fun with the people in my life because I had to train or had to go to a race. I pushed myself too hard and in turn, pushed other people away. Heck, my boyfriend at the time used all the time I spent training for my first marathon to start a relationship with someone else while I wasn't around. But I really wouldn't go back and change a thing about my adventures in running. Every run, every race, every injury...it's helped to make me a better runner and a stronger person.
Just like most other things in my life, my perspective on running has really changed in the past few months. While nearly every runner I know is already planning out their running schedules for 2013, I don't plan on signing up for anything. I want to run for fun for awhile and see what that's like. No pressure. No goals. Just my feet and the ground. Because one of the few things I know for certain is that there's nothing that makes me feel better than a good run. It lets me clear my head, see the beauty around me, and help me realize what's really important in my life.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 17 - Aging Gracefully
Note: Today is day 17 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Do you ever look back at photos of yourself from the past and cringe? I know plenty of people who would love go to back to their college years or early 20's. But not me! I am perfectly happy with being 31. And because of that, for today, I am thankful for aging gracefully.
I was kind of a mess in my early 20's. I was out of shape, my hair was terrible, my skin was equally bad, and I intermittently had a unibrow. All I wanted to be was a size zero girl with perfectly straight hair and a perfectly perfect life. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. But maybe that's what your 20's are all about. Figuring out who you are and where you'd like to be in life.
Up until recently, I've said that my 30's have been the best years of my life. And I'm sure in time I'll feel that way again. I have a job I love. I make more than enough money to survive on my own without struggling. My hair is still a mess but I've embraced that crazy, big hair is kind of my thing. I'm no size zero, but running has allowed me to be in the best shape of my life. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I've learned to love myself which is really important. Roxanne today is a prettier and better person than she was 10 years ago. And despite this little sad slump I'm having, I'm sure that overall, I'll be happier as the years go on and I get to know myself even better and feel even more confident about who I am and where I'm going. And I hope to look back 10 years from now and like what I see in the mirror then even more than the me I see now. Even if she is a little older and has a little more grey hair.
Do you ever look back at photos of yourself from the past and cringe? I know plenty of people who would love go to back to their college years or early 20's. But not me! I am perfectly happy with being 31. And because of that, for today, I am thankful for aging gracefully.
 |
| Somewhere around 2002 |
Up until recently, I've said that my 30's have been the best years of my life. And I'm sure in time I'll feel that way again. I have a job I love. I make more than enough money to survive on my own without struggling. My hair is still a mess but I've embraced that crazy, big hair is kind of my thing. I'm no size zero, but running has allowed me to be in the best shape of my life. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I've learned to love myself which is really important. Roxanne today is a prettier and better person than she was 10 years ago. And despite this little sad slump I'm having, I'm sure that overall, I'll be happier as the years go on and I get to know myself even better and feel even more confident about who I am and where I'm going. And I hope to look back 10 years from now and like what I see in the mirror then even more than the me I see now. Even if she is a little older and has a little more grey hair.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 16 - Having a Midlife Crisis
Note: Today is day 16 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!
I don't when it hit me exactly, but I recently realized that I am a full fledged grown up. Maybe it's because I've had too much time to myself to reflect on everything in my life, but I've been taking an inventory of who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going, and I don't really like what I see. So today, I'm thankful for being in the midst of a midlife crisis.
For years and years and years, I was on what I called the Stepford wife/mommy track. I fully expected to be married by now with at least one kid. I'd focused on my career so I could get to a point where I could have some flexibility to work part time if/when I were to have a child. I was SO sure that the road map for life in my head was unrolling in front of me. When in reality, my road map led me right off a cliff.
Living as a "me" now rather than a "we" is a whole different ballgame. I'm not going to meet the future Mr. Roxanne in my living room (most likely) so I've been going out more often. And that is kind of a drag. I'm the kind of girl who never liked drinking and partying and staying out late, and to be thrust into this lifestyle that I missed out on 10 years ago when I'm 31 is not so awesome.
So what's a girl to do? Besides fret about the future. I have plenty of goals that seem pretty unreachable on my own. But the one thing I do know is that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and take one tiny step in front of the other. I have no idea where life is going to take me. Maybe what I thought I wanted isn't really what I wanted after all? One day this will all make sense. And I hope to laugh about this bizarro time in my life where I can't tell right from wrong and up from down. Maybe I'll end up married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll run off to a hippie commune in the spring. The future is unwritten. For now, I'm just going to try and enjoy this crazy ride called life.
Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!
I don't when it hit me exactly, but I recently realized that I am a full fledged grown up. Maybe it's because I've had too much time to myself to reflect on everything in my life, but I've been taking an inventory of who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going, and I don't really like what I see. So today, I'm thankful for being in the midst of a midlife crisis.
For years and years and years, I was on what I called the Stepford wife/mommy track. I fully expected to be married by now with at least one kid. I'd focused on my career so I could get to a point where I could have some flexibility to work part time if/when I were to have a child. I was SO sure that the road map for life in my head was unrolling in front of me. When in reality, my road map led me right off a cliff.
Living as a "me" now rather than a "we" is a whole different ballgame. I'm not going to meet the future Mr. Roxanne in my living room (most likely) so I've been going out more often. And that is kind of a drag. I'm the kind of girl who never liked drinking and partying and staying out late, and to be thrust into this lifestyle that I missed out on 10 years ago when I'm 31 is not so awesome.
So what's a girl to do? Besides fret about the future. I have plenty of goals that seem pretty unreachable on my own. But the one thing I do know is that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and take one tiny step in front of the other. I have no idea where life is going to take me. Maybe what I thought I wanted isn't really what I wanted after all? One day this will all make sense. And I hope to laugh about this bizarro time in my life where I can't tell right from wrong and up from down. Maybe I'll end up married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll run off to a hippie commune in the spring. The future is unwritten. For now, I'm just going to try and enjoy this crazy ride called life.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 15 - Work Travel
Note: This is day 15 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Have you ever seen the movie "Up in the Air" with George Clooney? In the movie, my man George is a consultant who spends the majority of his life in hotels or flying to and from various cities for work. His life is his work and he's aspiring to reach that next level in airline rewards. I travel a lot for work and sometimes I can relate to his character. I'm sitting in La Guardia airport writing this post on my iPhone and I could really be anywhere.
I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy work travel. I do. I've had the opportunity to see cities and places I never would have gone to otherwise. This year alone I've gone to Columbus, Columbia, Missouri, Houston, Buffalo, LA, NYC, Milwaukee, Davenport, Iowa (my favorite place in the whole country, no joke), Baltimore, southern Ohio (twice), and a few of other cities I've probably forgotten. I've enjoyed nearly every trip and have great memories from all of them. But...work travel isn't as sexy as it was to me years ago. Every hotel looks the same. Every airport looks the same. Being away from home so much this year hurt my relationships with my family and friends. I felt like I missed out on life, really. Sure, I was having fun out on the road, but the whole time, I really missed my life here in the CLE.
Maybe it's because of the year I've had or maybe I'm just getting older and wiser but I value the life I have here in Cleveland so much more than I ever have before. I've realized that my job is important, but it's not THE most important thing in my life. Going forward, I don't want to miss parties and life events. I want to spend time with the people I care about. And I'd love to actually travel for fun. I'm so burned out from traveling that I haven't taken a non-wedding related trip since college. And that was a heck of a long time ago.
Hope springs eternal, though. I'm done traveling for the year. I have a good 6 weeks here in the CLE to gather my bearings before I hit the road again. I hope to be in a better frame of mind by then. And as with other areas in my life, I hope to establish some boundaries so I can travel a little but still get to enjoy the life I have back at home.
Have you ever seen the movie "Up in the Air" with George Clooney? In the movie, my man George is a consultant who spends the majority of his life in hotels or flying to and from various cities for work. His life is his work and he's aspiring to reach that next level in airline rewards. I travel a lot for work and sometimes I can relate to his character. I'm sitting in La Guardia airport writing this post on my iPhone and I could really be anywhere.
Maybe it's because of the year I've had or maybe I'm just getting older and wiser but I value the life I have here in Cleveland so much more than I ever have before. I've realized that my job is important, but it's not THE most important thing in my life. Going forward, I don't want to miss parties and life events. I want to spend time with the people I care about. And I'd love to actually travel for fun. I'm so burned out from traveling that I haven't taken a non-wedding related trip since college. And that was a heck of a long time ago.
Hope springs eternal, though. I'm done traveling for the year. I have a good 6 weeks here in the CLE to gather my bearings before I hit the road again. I hope to be in a better frame of mind by then. And as with other areas in my life, I hope to establish some boundaries so I can travel a little but still get to enjoy the life I have back at home.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 14 - Online Dating
Note: Today is day 14 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
"You are soooo lucky! I'd kill to be single again."
If I had a nickel for every married person who's told me that, I'd be rich. I wish I shared their enthusiasm for being suddently single.
I'm what most people would classify as a serial monogamist. I've been in a serious relationship for the better part of 12 years. So if you're doing the math, the last time Roxanne was in the dating pool, she was 19. The world is a lot different now than it was when I was 19. I honestly don't know the first thing about dating. For the past 12 years I've barely looked at anyone besides the person I was dating. And it's a little weird to suddenly be looking.
So, I did what many newly single people do. I joined a dating site or 5. And then immediately got depressed. It wasn't that people weren't interested in talking to me. There were plenty of guys who messaged me. I immediately eliminated the ones who listed "sex" as their favorite activity. (c'mon, man...be a little more subtle) I'm no supermodel, but...I have some standards, so that eliminated a lot more people. There were lots of creepy old men who messaged me. I'm sorry, but if you're older than my dad, game over. As a blogger and communications major, grammar FAILs also eliminated a bunch of people. I know writing is tough for a lot of people, but...if that's my first impression of you and you can't spell basic words or put a sentence together, I already know I'm not interested. I can say that having dozens of men randomly message you to tell you you're "hooottt" can be a confidene booster if you're having a bad day, though.
A seemingly normal person reached out to me early one Saturday morning. We excahnged emails. And then eventually exchanged phone numbers. When I got no less than 30 texts in a 24 hour period, I knew this person was going to be trouble. His obsessive level of interest was flattering, but when he revealed to me that his online photos were old, he had no job, and that he likes to wear his hair in a bun - like a samuri - I knew this relationship was over before it even got started.
I have since removed myself from every dating site I've joined. I will buy anything online - clothes, furniture, food...but I don't think I can find a boyfriend that way. I've been to a couple dating site weddings, and the couples I know who met that way are really happy...but that's just not me. Call me old school, but I'd like to meet someone in person. I don't know how to do that yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. And so for today, I'm thankful for online dating.
"You are soooo lucky! I'd kill to be single again."
If I had a nickel for every married person who's told me that, I'd be rich. I wish I shared their enthusiasm for being suddently single.
I'm what most people would classify as a serial monogamist. I've been in a serious relationship for the better part of 12 years. So if you're doing the math, the last time Roxanne was in the dating pool, she was 19. The world is a lot different now than it was when I was 19. I honestly don't know the first thing about dating. For the past 12 years I've barely looked at anyone besides the person I was dating. And it's a little weird to suddenly be looking.
A seemingly normal person reached out to me early one Saturday morning. We excahnged emails. And then eventually exchanged phone numbers. When I got no less than 30 texts in a 24 hour period, I knew this person was going to be trouble. His obsessive level of interest was flattering, but when he revealed to me that his online photos were old, he had no job, and that he likes to wear his hair in a bun - like a samuri - I knew this relationship was over before it even got started.
I have since removed myself from every dating site I've joined. I will buy anything online - clothes, furniture, food...but I don't think I can find a boyfriend that way. I've been to a couple dating site weddings, and the couples I know who met that way are really happy...but that's just not me. Call me old school, but I'd like to meet someone in person. I don't know how to do that yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. And so for today, I'm thankful for online dating.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 13 - House Hunting
Note: Today is day 13 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Today's post is about one of those things I'm not really all that thankful for. House hunting. Considering that I DVR'd House Hunters on HGTV for years, there's some irony in the fact that I dread house hunting. (I can't even stand to watch the show right now) But I am thankful for this experience anyway.
I bought my first home in 2003. In Euclid. I'd been living in the Marsol apartments in Mayfield Heights and absolutely hated it there, so with some encouragement from my mother, I started house hunting. I can't exactly tell you why I decided to look for houses in Euclid. Probably because it was the only place where I could afford anything decent at the time. Also, I'd lived with my mom in Willowick for years and years and wanted to live closer to her. (although the joke was on me when shortly after I moved into my house she moved about 30 minutes away)
I bought a 2 bedroom/1 bath colonial on a quiet street near the Euclid/Wickliffe border. I wasn't in love with it, but it was fine. I'd liked a smaller house in a different part of Euclid a lot more, but it needed more work than the one I bought and my mom pushed me to put an offer in on the house I ended up with. To this day, I don't know if that was the right decision, but...the house worked for me. It was small but perfect for a single girl on her own.
I lived there for about 5 years until I moved in with my ex boyfriend in his house in Lyndhurst. I'd helped him house hunt early on in our relationship. Boy, that was a process. He was always a lot pickier than me, and we looked at house after house with no luck. Eventually we found what I considered to be my dream home - a 3 bedroom/ 1 1/2 bath brick colonial in Lyndhurst. We'd only been dating 6 months or so at the time, but I hoped that I would someday have the opportunity to call this place home. And obviously I did. (although after this experience, I might never live in someone else's house again without a ring or a written agreement)
It took me awhile for me to accept the house as "ours" versus "his" when I moved in but I eventually got over that. Especially as we put more work into it. We spent one long week after Christmas one year redoing kitchen cabinets, painting them multiple times because we just couldn't find a shade of white that we liked. We repainted the living room a color that seemed like it would look ok but ended up looking like a baby's nursery, but we were too tired after the project to fix it. We agonized over paint samples at Pottery Barn looking for just the right shade to go with a new dining room set. Argued extensively over what tile to put in the main bathroom. Debated over lighting choices in the family room. Spent more time than any person should picking out a frame for artwork to go in the bathroom. You get my point. It was a process, but as of the day I moved out, I thought the house was just about perfect. And it took about 7 years to get it that way. And that's something I need to keep in mind as I'm house hunting.
I'm currently living in a tiny rental in Lyndhurst. I really love this area and hope to stay here. At least until I have kids. (let me work on getting a boyfriend before I even start thinking about that) I've looked at nearly every house that meets my criteria here in the 'hurst. I'm trying to have an open mind and remember that no matter what house I end up purchasing, it's going to need some work. But...I have seen some doozies. I expect to see outdated. And run down. But I swear a couple of the basements I've seen might have had dead bodies in there somewhere. Holy cow. And to think that I'm surrounded by these cruddy houses here in my neighborhood...
It's been kind of a discouraging process. I'm older now. I do need to think about resale value. And school districts. And so many other things I was oblivious to the last time I bought a house. Ironically, the last time I bought a house, I had no money and had to basically just settle on something that was good enough. Now, I actually have more than enough money saved to put a good down payment on a house and I can't find a darn thing. Add this to the list of things that have happened in recent months that I'm going to laugh about someday.
I looked at a big old English Tudor last week that was perfect in so many ways...but I just couldn't pull the trigger and make an offer. I'm hoping that my gut tells me when I find the right house. That when I know, I KNOW which one is right for me. My gut rarely leads me astray. And until then, I'm just going to be one of the most difficult clients my poor realtor has ever seen.
Today's post is about one of those things I'm not really all that thankful for. House hunting. Considering that I DVR'd House Hunters on HGTV for years, there's some irony in the fact that I dread house hunting. (I can't even stand to watch the show right now) But I am thankful for this experience anyway.
I bought a 2 bedroom/1 bath colonial on a quiet street near the Euclid/Wickliffe border. I wasn't in love with it, but it was fine. I'd liked a smaller house in a different part of Euclid a lot more, but it needed more work than the one I bought and my mom pushed me to put an offer in on the house I ended up with. To this day, I don't know if that was the right decision, but...the house worked for me. It was small but perfect for a single girl on her own.
I lived there for about 5 years until I moved in with my ex boyfriend in his house in Lyndhurst. I'd helped him house hunt early on in our relationship. Boy, that was a process. He was always a lot pickier than me, and we looked at house after house with no luck. Eventually we found what I considered to be my dream home - a 3 bedroom/ 1 1/2 bath brick colonial in Lyndhurst. We'd only been dating 6 months or so at the time, but I hoped that I would someday have the opportunity to call this place home. And obviously I did. (although after this experience, I might never live in someone else's house again without a ring or a written agreement)
It took me awhile for me to accept the house as "ours" versus "his" when I moved in but I eventually got over that. Especially as we put more work into it. We spent one long week after Christmas one year redoing kitchen cabinets, painting them multiple times because we just couldn't find a shade of white that we liked. We repainted the living room a color that seemed like it would look ok but ended up looking like a baby's nursery, but we were too tired after the project to fix it. We agonized over paint samples at Pottery Barn looking for just the right shade to go with a new dining room set. Argued extensively over what tile to put in the main bathroom. Debated over lighting choices in the family room. Spent more time than any person should picking out a frame for artwork to go in the bathroom. You get my point. It was a process, but as of the day I moved out, I thought the house was just about perfect. And it took about 7 years to get it that way. And that's something I need to keep in mind as I'm house hunting.
I'm currently living in a tiny rental in Lyndhurst. I really love this area and hope to stay here. At least until I have kids. (let me work on getting a boyfriend before I even start thinking about that) I've looked at nearly every house that meets my criteria here in the 'hurst. I'm trying to have an open mind and remember that no matter what house I end up purchasing, it's going to need some work. But...I have seen some doozies. I expect to see outdated. And run down. But I swear a couple of the basements I've seen might have had dead bodies in there somewhere. Holy cow. And to think that I'm surrounded by these cruddy houses here in my neighborhood...
It's been kind of a discouraging process. I'm older now. I do need to think about resale value. And school districts. And so many other things I was oblivious to the last time I bought a house. Ironically, the last time I bought a house, I had no money and had to basically just settle on something that was good enough. Now, I actually have more than enough money saved to put a good down payment on a house and I can't find a darn thing. Add this to the list of things that have happened in recent months that I'm going to laugh about someday.
I looked at a big old English Tudor last week that was perfect in so many ways...but I just couldn't pull the trigger and make an offer. I'm hoping that my gut tells me when I find the right house. That when I know, I KNOW which one is right for me. My gut rarely leads me astray. And until then, I'm just going to be one of the most difficult clients my poor realtor has ever seen.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 12 - Music
Note: Today is day 12 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
Hey you, I gotta tell you my long time friend
I think of all those years you saw me through tears
And the good times that we spend
311 - "Hey You"
There are few constants in life. Friends come and go. Relationships start and end. You move. You change jobs. One day things are great the next they're terrible. For me one thing in my life has always been there, no matter what - music. So today, I am thankful for music.
I've always had a special place for music in my heart. When I started playing clarinet in middle school, I had a newfound appreciation for polka music and listened to the polka show on a local am radio station after school every day. I loved the Motown music that my mom played at home. The classic rock my dad jammed out to.
Music is so intertwined in every aspect of my life. I start the day out listening to upbeat music when I get ready for work. I make a point to listen to a throwback mix on my lunch hour. When I work out, my iPod provides the motivation for me to push myself farther. If I can't express the way I'm feeling about something, I'll send a song to someone and ask them to listen to it to better understand my point of view. It sets the mood for good days and bad. It lifts me up in a way that no person can. It gets me. No matter what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Music has got my back. Now and forever.
Music has gotten me through some tough times in the past, and I'm sure it will get me through some more in the future. But I'm thankful for every memory I have associated to music - good and bad.
Hey you, I gotta tell you my long time friend
I think of all those years you saw me through tears
And the good times that we spend
311 - "Hey You"
There are few constants in life. Friends come and go. Relationships start and end. You move. You change jobs. One day things are great the next they're terrible. For me one thing in my life has always been there, no matter what - music. So today, I am thankful for music.
I've always had a special place for music in my heart. When I started playing clarinet in middle school, I had a newfound appreciation for polka music and listened to the polka show on a local am radio station after school every day. I loved the Motown music that my mom played at home. The classic rock my dad jammed out to.
I got what was THE best job in high school at Camelot Music. There I learned that the world was a bigger place than high school (thank goodness) and there were people like me who liked all kinds of music - not just what was popular on Jammin 92. Everyone I worked with there liked different types of music. I learned about rap, classical, jazz, country, new age. It was incredible. I was like Roxanne the music sponge and I learned to appreciate so many different types of music.
Music is so intertwined in every aspect of my life. I start the day out listening to upbeat music when I get ready for work. I make a point to listen to a throwback mix on my lunch hour. When I work out, my iPod provides the motivation for me to push myself farther. If I can't express the way I'm feeling about something, I'll send a song to someone and ask them to listen to it to better understand my point of view. It sets the mood for good days and bad. It lifts me up in a way that no person can. It gets me. No matter what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Music has got my back. Now and forever.
Music has gotten me through some tough times in the past, and I'm sure it will get me through some more in the future. But I'm thankful for every memory I have associated to music - good and bad.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 11 - 11:11
Note: Today is day 11 in my series 30 Days of Thankful.
I'm trying to keep things light here in thankfulness land for a few days because I had a lot of emo posts earlier in the week. So for today, I am thankful for something a little less serious - 11:11.
Today is 11/11. A palindrome day. Where the date is the same forwards and backwards. (at least the month and day) I've never been into math or numbers, but I have a special fondness for palindromes. I like them so much that I intentionally graduated from college early - in 2002 - just so I could forever say I graduated in a palindrome year. Nerdery at its finest, folks.
For me, the time 11:11 has always held a special significance. I can't tell you why, but I seem to see 11:11 on a clock more often than any other time of day, both day and night. And apparently so do a lot of other people. According to the interwebs and this guy, seeing 11:11 is like seeing a glitch in the Matrix. The 11:11 theorists state that if you have a thought at 11:11, it's a "true" thought. It's a moment in time where you are communicating to the universe and whatever you are thinking must be true or whatever you're wishing for will happen. I don't know that I believe that, but...lots of other people do.
I was told at some point in my life to make a wish if you see 11:11 on a clock, so I've made a lot of 11:11 wishes. (And apparently so have a lot of other people, according to this article.) And I can honestly tell you that many of those wishes have come true. Sounds nutty, I know. Maybe I'm a realistic wisher or having something at the forefront of my consciousness makes me more likely to put things in motion to make said wish come true. I mean, I've never wished to win the lotto at 11:11. Or to suddenly own a mansion. I've wished for things like love and goals in my life to come true. My 11:11 wishes have never come true over night. They've taken quite awhile to come to fruition. Months, even. But they've happened.
I don't buy into this "talking to the universe at 11:11" concept, but I do think it's important to have wishes. And hopes. And dreams. It can't hurt to wish for things. The worst thing that will happen is that it won't come true. Whenever I make a wish, I feel a little goofy, but I feel connected to my childhood where the world was a simpler place and I wished for all sorts of things. Maybe I'm 31 going on 13, but in my opinion, a little wishing every now and then can't hurt.
P.S. The Mayans claim the world is going to end at 11:11 on 12/21 so I definitely know what I'll be wishing for in that moment!
I'm trying to keep things light here in thankfulness land for a few days because I had a lot of emo posts earlier in the week. So for today, I am thankful for something a little less serious - 11:11.
Today is 11/11. A palindrome day. Where the date is the same forwards and backwards. (at least the month and day) I've never been into math or numbers, but I have a special fondness for palindromes. I like them so much that I intentionally graduated from college early - in 2002 - just so I could forever say I graduated in a palindrome year. Nerdery at its finest, folks.
I was told at some point in my life to make a wish if you see 11:11 on a clock, so I've made a lot of 11:11 wishes. (And apparently so have a lot of other people, according to this article.) And I can honestly tell you that many of those wishes have come true. Sounds nutty, I know. Maybe I'm a realistic wisher or having something at the forefront of my consciousness makes me more likely to put things in motion to make said wish come true. I mean, I've never wished to win the lotto at 11:11. Or to suddenly own a mansion. I've wished for things like love and goals in my life to come true. My 11:11 wishes have never come true over night. They've taken quite awhile to come to fruition. Months, even. But they've happened.
I don't buy into this "talking to the universe at 11:11" concept, but I do think it's important to have wishes. And hopes. And dreams. It can't hurt to wish for things. The worst thing that will happen is that it won't come true. Whenever I make a wish, I feel a little goofy, but I feel connected to my childhood where the world was a simpler place and I wished for all sorts of things. Maybe I'm 31 going on 13, but in my opinion, a little wishing every now and then can't hurt.
P.S. The Mayans claim the world is going to end at 11:11 on 12/21 so I definitely know what I'll be wishing for in that moment!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 10 - Shopping
Note: Today is day 10 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
There is one distinct way to tell if I'm unhappy - I shop! Clothes, accessories, shoes...you name it, I buy it. When I'm happy, you will see me in my same favorite outfits, but when I'm going through a rough patch? Lookout! You will never see the same outfit twice. Unless you catch me on that rare day where I can't even bear to dress myself. Then you will probably see me in raggedy pajamas that I've had since college, including a t-shirt that's so thin, I think my bra has finally worn a hole through it.
In the past few months I've gotten a makeover, invested in at least a dozen new dresses, a half dozen pairs of boots, new makeup, new (cheap) jewelery, multiple pairs of jeans, lots of underwear and bras (I'm sure my cats appreciate that since they're the only ones getting to see them), more ballet flats than any one person should own, and a library full of self help books. Depending on the day, the books are probably more beneficial than everything else, but if you're feeling shitty, there's nothing like putting on a nice new outfit and strutting your stuff. As they say in Al Anon, sometimes you need to fake it until you make it, and even if you're feeling like you're dying a slow painful death on the inside, putting on that happy face and looking good when you need to (say, when you need to go to work but would rather be crying in bed instead) can only help to boost your mood. Even if you think people won't notice your new duds/fair/shoes/etc. I'd care to bet that someone will. And sometimes when you're down in the dumps, even the smallest compliment about just about anything can really brighten your day. I'm not saying a person necessarily needs "things" to feel better about themself, but when all else fails, I think a little retail therapy can't hurt.
I wouldn't call myself materialistic. I'd much rather buy something for someone else than myself. I travel a lot for work and I'm always busy with a million different things, so money is in a greater abundance for me than time. Remember that if you're having a shower for your kid/dog/wedding. I may not actually show up, but I will send you a lovely gift.
Considering the year I've had, I feel like I should buy myself something "extra nice" for Christmas. In years past, I've had waaay more people to shop for, so this year, I have some extra cash money. Sure, I plan on buying myself a house sometime next year and I should be hoarding all of my cash, but I hardly consider a house to be a real gift. (I actually already own a house so I think the excitement of home ownership ended the first month my tenants decided they weren't going to pay their rent.) And besides...you need to treat yourself every once in awhile.
I'm not into purses. Or diamonds. I could get another cat, but as the number of cats in my house increases, the likelihood of me not becoming an old maid decreases. I don't really like shoes. An iPad might be neat, but I already have an iPhone and I'm not sure I need a bigger version of it. I'd love to just buy extra nice gifts for everyone I know, but new less codependent Roxanne realizes she needs to treat herself once in awhile.
When you're feeling blue, what do you like to treat yourself to? Or...if you were me, what would you buy yourself for the holidays?
There is one distinct way to tell if I'm unhappy - I shop! Clothes, accessories, shoes...you name it, I buy it. When I'm happy, you will see me in my same favorite outfits, but when I'm going through a rough patch? Lookout! You will never see the same outfit twice. Unless you catch me on that rare day where I can't even bear to dress myself. Then you will probably see me in raggedy pajamas that I've had since college, including a t-shirt that's so thin, I think my bra has finally worn a hole through it.
In the past few months I've gotten a makeover, invested in at least a dozen new dresses, a half dozen pairs of boots, new makeup, new (cheap) jewelery, multiple pairs of jeans, lots of underwear and bras (I'm sure my cats appreciate that since they're the only ones getting to see them), more ballet flats than any one person should own, and a library full of self help books. Depending on the day, the books are probably more beneficial than everything else, but if you're feeling shitty, there's nothing like putting on a nice new outfit and strutting your stuff. As they say in Al Anon, sometimes you need to fake it until you make it, and even if you're feeling like you're dying a slow painful death on the inside, putting on that happy face and looking good when you need to (say, when you need to go to work but would rather be crying in bed instead) can only help to boost your mood. Even if you think people won't notice your new duds/fair/shoes/etc. I'd care to bet that someone will. And sometimes when you're down in the dumps, even the smallest compliment about just about anything can really brighten your day. I'm not saying a person necessarily needs "things" to feel better about themself, but when all else fails, I think a little retail therapy can't hurt.
I wouldn't call myself materialistic. I'd much rather buy something for someone else than myself. I travel a lot for work and I'm always busy with a million different things, so money is in a greater abundance for me than time. Remember that if you're having a shower for your kid/dog/wedding. I may not actually show up, but I will send you a lovely gift.
Considering the year I've had, I feel like I should buy myself something "extra nice" for Christmas. In years past, I've had waaay more people to shop for, so this year, I have some extra cash money. Sure, I plan on buying myself a house sometime next year and I should be hoarding all of my cash, but I hardly consider a house to be a real gift. (I actually already own a house so I think the excitement of home ownership ended the first month my tenants decided they weren't going to pay their rent.) And besides...you need to treat yourself every once in awhile.
I'm not into purses. Or diamonds. I could get another cat, but as the number of cats in my house increases, the likelihood of me not becoming an old maid decreases. I don't really like shoes. An iPad might be neat, but I already have an iPhone and I'm not sure I need a bigger version of it. I'd love to just buy extra nice gifts for everyone I know, but new less codependent Roxanne realizes she needs to treat herself once in awhile.
When you're feeling blue, what do you like to treat yourself to? Or...if you were me, what would you buy yourself for the holidays?
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 9 - Accepting Help
Note: Today is day 9 in my series "30 Days of Thankful."
"I don't need your help. I can do it on my own."
Who isn't guilty of saying that at one time or another? I know I've actually said that way too much.
Growing up, I learned that I had to do things on my own. I was an only child. My mom worked a lot. My dad was a lazy alcoholic who was always angry. Asking for help wasn't really an option. I came to believe that if you needed help, you were weak. Or if someone helped you, they expected something (normally unreasonable) in return. And who wants to appear weak or be controlled by someone else? I've learned that this attitude is a pretty common trait of codependency. (see my post about that here)
I have lots of very thoughtful friends who have offered to help me with all sorts of things throughout the years. But I was always too proud or stubborn to ask for or accept help. When I lived with someone, they were more than willing to help me with cooking, cleaning, and all sorts of other things I could have used help with - but I always said no. I didn't want to seem like I couldn't handle my responsibilities. Didn't want to look weak. Or put anyone else out. Or plenty of other illogical things. When in reality, I was dying for some help. I was just too afraid to express myself. It seemed more logical for me to make a martyr of myself and try to do everything on my own than risk looking or feeling stupid. I've done this in all sorts of aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting the fact that someone could be offering me help out of a place of love. That they wanted to help me because they genuinely wanted to help me and expected nothing in return. There was none of the tit for tat nonsense I'd been accustomed to. I put up this tough, independent girl facade to try and protect myself from being hurt the way I had been hurt as a kid. But this facade really kept me trapped inside myself.
In some ways, I think society perpetuates this belief. A strong woman can take care of herself. A strong woman doesn't need nobody. And while, yes, it's true, you should be able to take care of youself, put yourself first, and make sure your own needs are taken care of, there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting help if you need or want it. Heck, you might not even want or need help but you should accept it if it's offered. Unexpected kindness, generosity, and help is often the best thing.
In recent years I think I've gotten better at accepting help. And since I started living on my own and working on being a better, more independent me (rather than codependent), I think I've made the biggest improvement in this area. When I moved a few years ago, I didn't ask anyone for help. (which was ridiculous, by the way) This time? I asked everyone I knew for help. For everything from getting boxes, to actually moving my belongings, to getting advice on where to buy appliances, to helping me move heavy things around my house. I did that because I wasn't afraid to look weak and I didn't think people would look down on me. I was confident enough to recognize that people in my life (for the most part) want to help - just because.
I've been shown such kindness and generosity from the people in my life as of late. And the most important thing I've learned , I think, is to accept their help and just say "thanks." Accept things as they come and don't over think them. I like to believe that the people in my life are generally good, and if I were given the chance, I'd help them out, too.
So the next time someone offers you some help, before you quickly say no, think about how nice it would be to have some help, and how letting someone else help you would probably make them feel good, too.
"I don't need your help. I can do it on my own."
Who isn't guilty of saying that at one time or another? I know I've actually said that way too much.
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| We could all use a little "halp" once in awhile. |
Growing up, I learned that I had to do things on my own. I was an only child. My mom worked a lot. My dad was a lazy alcoholic who was always angry. Asking for help wasn't really an option. I came to believe that if you needed help, you were weak. Or if someone helped you, they expected something (normally unreasonable) in return. And who wants to appear weak or be controlled by someone else? I've learned that this attitude is a pretty common trait of codependency. (see my post about that here)
I have lots of very thoughtful friends who have offered to help me with all sorts of things throughout the years. But I was always too proud or stubborn to ask for or accept help. When I lived with someone, they were more than willing to help me with cooking, cleaning, and all sorts of other things I could have used help with - but I always said no. I didn't want to seem like I couldn't handle my responsibilities. Didn't want to look weak. Or put anyone else out. Or plenty of other illogical things. When in reality, I was dying for some help. I was just too afraid to express myself. It seemed more logical for me to make a martyr of myself and try to do everything on my own than risk looking or feeling stupid. I've done this in all sorts of aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting the fact that someone could be offering me help out of a place of love. That they wanted to help me because they genuinely wanted to help me and expected nothing in return. There was none of the tit for tat nonsense I'd been accustomed to. I put up this tough, independent girl facade to try and protect myself from being hurt the way I had been hurt as a kid. But this facade really kept me trapped inside myself.
In some ways, I think society perpetuates this belief. A strong woman can take care of herself. A strong woman doesn't need nobody. And while, yes, it's true, you should be able to take care of youself, put yourself first, and make sure your own needs are taken care of, there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting help if you need or want it. Heck, you might not even want or need help but you should accept it if it's offered. Unexpected kindness, generosity, and help is often the best thing.
In recent years I think I've gotten better at accepting help. And since I started living on my own and working on being a better, more independent me (rather than codependent), I think I've made the biggest improvement in this area. When I moved a few years ago, I didn't ask anyone for help. (which was ridiculous, by the way) This time? I asked everyone I knew for help. For everything from getting boxes, to actually moving my belongings, to getting advice on where to buy appliances, to helping me move heavy things around my house. I did that because I wasn't afraid to look weak and I didn't think people would look down on me. I was confident enough to recognize that people in my life (for the most part) want to help - just because.
I've been shown such kindness and generosity from the people in my life as of late. And the most important thing I've learned , I think, is to accept their help and just say "thanks." Accept things as they come and don't over think them. I like to believe that the people in my life are generally good, and if I were given the chance, I'd help them out, too.
So the next time someone offers you some help, before you quickly say no, think about how nice it would be to have some help, and how letting someone else help you would probably make them feel good, too.
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