Monday, January 14, 2013

31 Going on 21

Have you ever seen the movie 13 Going on 30? I LOVE that movie! If only we could all get in a time machine and go back and completely change our lives, huh?

I've been pretty quiet since the end of 2012. At least here in the blogosphere. In real life, I rang in the new year with a hodge podge of friends and family, complete with a Taylor Swift karaoke session on my part (that girl and I could be friends, I think...or at least talk about relationships). For the record, I do not sing well. And I'm also a terrible drinker. Shout out to my mom for being there to cart my sorry behind up to bed when I conked out at my own party. (I'm out of practice, what can I say?)

In some ways I feel like I'm 31 going on 21. I've mentioned on this blog before that I've been in long term relationships from the ages of 19 to just a few months ago. Younger, more naive Roxanne molded herself into a person she though her former boyfriends would like. (hello, codependency!) With Kevin, I didn't drink because he didn't drink. I didn't cook because he didn't cook. I didn't work out because he didn't work out...and with Jeff? We've spent too much time on that subject. But I can say that I picked up a lot of great habits. I'm neater, cleaner, can cook, and sew, and do all sorts of other domestic duties that I could never do before. And I'm a pretty active person now.

But who is Roxanne? Really? That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. Am I the girl who's been drinking bottles of wine at home alone? Maybe. Am I the girl starting dance parties after too many drinks at the bar? Unfortunately, yes. But not usually. Am I someone who puts running before everything else? Not so much anymore. So who exactly am I? While many people have a chance to find themselves when they're in their early 20's, I think I was too busy being stuck in wifey mode. I was one of those horrible 25 year olds (sorry to any of my early 20-something friends) who just wanted to be married. I had this fairy tale plotted out in my head. But as we all know, fairy tales are just that - fictional.

So what does 31 year old Roxanne want? That's a tough question. If you'd asked me a year ago, I think many of my answers would have been different. Being single girl Roxanne has given me some insight as to what I want. Or at least what I think I want now.

1. Old Roxanne was an introverted hermit by nature. True story. If you know me IRL, you might not believe that,'s true. But new Roxanne love beings around people. Life is about experiences. And spending time with people you care about. And having fun! That's why I've lived in my house for 4 weeks and have had 2 parties already. Because a house is just a house until it's filled with memories. Then it becomes a home. I want this house to be a home, darn it. The last house I owned on my own was just a house. My new house is my home, and I look forward to having years and years of fun there.

2. Old Roxanne was so weight/calorie/etc. conscious that she missed out on lots of fun. As the comedian Louis CK said when I saw him earlier this fall, if you want a cupcake, eat an f-ing cupcake. That's really my new motto in life. If you want something and it's not going to kill you, go for it. If you enjoy it, it's not hurting anyone, and especially if it makes you happy, do it! Because you never know what tomorrow brings. If I miss a planned run, or eat or drink more than I should, I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm not hard on other people, so why should I be so hard on myself?

3. Old Roxanne wanted commitment more than anything else in the world. It's almost embarrassing how I've chased after the fairy tale happy ending that all Disney movies feature. Even when in my heart, I knew that fairy tale wasn't going to happen. Aladdin isn't going to come and take me on a magic carpet ride. But I do believe in love and long term relationships. I've been attending mass regularly and met a couple who'd been married for over 60 years one day. 60 years! At my age, the likelihood of being married that long is pretty unlikely, but still! Think of everything that's changed in the world in the past 60 years! And if that little old couple couple make it, what's to say that I won't be grey haired, sitting next to my hard of hearing husband 40 years from now? I'm bent, but not broken. I still believe in love and marriage. Maybe now more than ever.

4. Old Roxanne was a great designated driver. New Roxanne? She needs to work on that a bit. I'm a little past my prime when it comes to boozing at the bar. Or at least I feel that way. Sure, it's ok to go out and have fun, but I'm no 25 year old party girl. There's a time and a place to have fun. A random weeknight at a dive bar in my hood? Not so much. I'm trying to get into new hobbies. I'm learning how to fix things around my house. Clearly, I know how to be that drunk girl at the bar. But I'd like to learn how to be someone else. Someone with a skill besides drinking double shots of Jaeger.

5. Old Roxanne was horribly frightened of children. New Roxanne is, too. But I am so very excited for each and every one of my friends who's expecting or recently added a baby to their family. Despite the jokes I make about being a crazy old cat lady, I hope that someday my mother gets to be a grandmother to something besides a cat. (maybe a dog this spring! but hopefully something a little less furry)

I just want to get so much more out of 2013 than years prior. I want more fun. More laughs. Less rigidity. Less chaos. Definitely less crying. Less depression. More friendships. More time with family. More time discovering my faith. More time recovering from being a depressed, codependent monster. I really think that brighter days are ahead. I wouldn't suggest having your world turned upside down for fun or anything, but I can say that the past few months have really helped me to prioritize a lot of things in my life and really focus on what's important - living life. Enjoying life. And not stressing out so much over everything. In an Al Anon meeting the other day we talked about excellence versus perfection. If you strive for perfection, you're always going to fail, because nothing is perfect 100% of the time. But if you strive for excellence? You're less likely to let yourself or others down. So that's my new motto for 2013. Excellence not perfection!

What is it you're working towards in 2013?

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